Identity Crisis
by ficlord
Summary: Alternate ending from the Fishing Rod of Love story arc. Chars come to terms with their sexualities amidst homophobia, angst, silliness, and pop culture references. Ranma/Ryoga and yuri pairings. Rated M for strong sexual themes. Warning: first fanfic!
1. Death of a Martial Artist

(DISCLAIMER: This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form. The Epilogue involves a crossover from _Inuyasha,_ another series I don't own. There are also numerous pop culture references to other work that I have no right to throughout this story.)

(BRIEF EXPLANATION: The story begins towards the end of a particular story arc in the manga, where Ryoga accidentally "catches" Ranma with a magical fishing rod – though Ryoga had intended to catch Akane instead – causing Ranma to fall in love with him. The way the manga story arc ended, however, is different than how it ends here – and thus changes the whole course of the series.)

(PAIRINGS: If you _really _want to spoil the surprise, I'll tell you right now the main pairs you'll see together: Ranma/Ryoga, Shampoo/Nabiki, Ranma/Kasumi, Akane/Ukyo. There. Now you know who ends up with whom – as though it mattered so much.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 1 – Death of a Martial Artist

Dark blue dusk curtained the skies of Nerima. The stars were becoming visible. Akane, a Japanese girl in her late teens, with short hair and an adorable face (with a figure developing nicely, to boot) jogged down the street, carrying a fishing pole with a miniature plunger-thingie attached instead of a hook – this being the legendary Fishing Rod of Love – and a sheet of paper where the instructions to the Rod were written. Akane wondered where her fiancée Ranma and his/her rival Ryoga had wandered. Or perhaps Ryoga was better termed "former rival" – possibly a boyfriend now. Things were already complicated by this point, and Akane herself had only come to understand the details of the situation ten minutes ago.

Akane heard a noise coming from the other side of a fence. She scaled the fence and peeked over to see a dark haired man with a yellow bandanna chasing around a pony-tailed redhead in a blue Chinese-style outfit.

Akane gasped. "What are those two _doing?_" She jumped over the fence into the backyard of Furinkan High School. Ryoga (the guy) seemed to have Ranma (the red-head) pinned against a tree – with his arm buried halfway into the tree trunk.

"This is just sick and wrong!" she said, hefting a spade and knocking Ryoga over the head with it. She had no idea where the spade came from or what it was doing there, but a martial artist doesn't bother to think about such things when it comes time to be smacking people around.

Ryoga fell to the ground but recovered quickly. "Akane? How'd you get here when we're hundreds of miles from Nerima?" Ryoga never had a good sense of direction.

Akane stamped her foot. "Ryoga, we're just behind Furinkan High!"

"Oh…."

"What're _you_ doing here, Akane?" Ranma demanded, crossing his, or rather currently, her arms.

Akane pulled out the sheet of paper and the Fishing Rod of Love. "Look at _this,_ Ranma!"

Ranma took the sheet and read: "'Catch your one true love'…. Hmm, I see…. So _that's_ what was going on when he attacked me with this little kid's fishing-rod a few days ago – he enchanted me into loving him!"

"No!" Ryoga wailed. "You've got it all wrong! I wasn't aiming for –"

"Ryoga," Ranma growled, cracking her knuckles.

Ryoga waved his hands in desperate, inarticulate gestures. "This was a mistake. I don't love you, I –"

Ranma took hold of the fishing rod and swung the line onto Ryoga's chest. "Ha! I got 'im!"

"Err… Ran…. Ack! Get it off me! Get it off me!" Ryoga ripped the plunger-thingie away and started scratching at his chest. "No! I don't want to be gay!"

"Now you're all mine, sweetie!" Ranma drawled, and then unleashed a psychotic laugh: "Mwahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Get this red mark off of me, Akane! Quick, before the curse sets in and I fall in love with him!"

Akane blinked. "What do you expect _me _to do?"

Ryoga was on his knees, hands clasped, and eyes wide, brimming with tears. "Aren't there any instructions for how to get rid of the curse?"

"Um…." Akane double-checked the manual. "I don't see any…."

"Waaah!" Ryoga ran off into the woods.

"No, my love!" Ranma called, running after. "Don't get lost!"

Akane sighed. She had no clue how to revoke the enchantment, and as far as she could tell, she had only made things worse. Akane thought, _I'm so stupid for thinking I could've undone all this. What did I think I could do, anyhow?_ Then Akane remembered Ryoga's words. _If he wasn't aiming for Ranma in the first place, then whom was he aiming for? I suppose it was rather silly of me to think that Ryoga would seriously be so lonely to intentionally pursue Ranma…. Of course, Ranma's girl form _is_ quite attractive…. But then who was Ryoga fishing for when he accidentally hooked Ranma?_

Akane decided to return home and see how things looked in the morning. Things were always supposed to look better in the morning, right?

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Akane found Ranma and Ryoga cuddling a block from her house on a park bench. They were gazing into each other's eyes – as you might expect a couple to do.

"I can't believe I've never seen before how beautiful you are, Ranma!" Ryoga cried.

Ranma had the most ridiculously huge grin on her face. Sighing deeply, she said, "Oh, Ryoga…."

Akane couldn't stand to see this carry on. Magical enchantment or no, Ranma's life was complicated enough that falling for a man could probably get him killed and/or start a neighborhood war, and as for Ryoga…. Akane just didn't like to see it.

"Hold on a sec!" Akane shouted. "Just how do you expect to explain this to your _mother_? Hmmm? I may not know her all that well, but I can only wonder that she'd be willing to call a homosexual relationship with Ryoga 'manly.'" (Sorry – Akane didn't have a very enlightened perspective on sexuality and gender roles.)

Ryoga scrunched his face. "Our relationship isn't _really_ homosexual…." (Ryoga didn't, either.)

"You're right, Akane!" (Or Ranma. In fact, Ranma's mother probably didn't have an enlightened perspective on sexuality and gender roles, either. After all, what does it really mean to be "manly," anyway? And why should it be so vital for a man to _be _"manly" that if he fails to be "manly" he ought to kill himself? Very unenlightened. Anyway, Ranma was saying,) "This is almost as bad as living half my adult life as a girl. If my mother finds out, I'll be facing seppuku for sure." She tapped her finger to her chin. "But if I can just keep hiding from her –"

"Oh _please_, Ranma," Akane ranted. "You think that's _all_ you have to worry about? If my dad finds out you've abandoned your marriage contract to... t-to me, you'll be _begging_ for ritual suicide."

Ranma stroked her chin. "Hmmm…."

Ryoga's eyebrows were scrunched in thought. "How can we –"

"There is only one solution," Ranma said as she stood up, clenching her fist, gazing up into the night sky dramatically. "I must die."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

The Saotomes and Tendos decided to incorporate a number of Western elements into the first memorial service (after the initial major Buddhist rites were complete), including the giving of eulogies – and many were willing to say a few words on Ranma's behalf. While the mourners sitting in rows of metal chairs dressed in a Western black – as wasn't too unusual for a service of this sort – they kept the furnishings a traditional white, including the cloth on the table with the large picture of Ranma (in male-form, of course) smiling, at the center of the stage.

They had never found Ranma's body in the explosion that only Akane saw, but at least, according to Akane, he had managed to save a kitten owned by a little girl no one knew. Ranma had died a heroic, selfless death – in a very_ manly_ fashion. So went Akane's story. Ranma's mother, Nodoka, was there, crying in the front row, quite convinced her son was always a boy who had always acted so manly, which was what Genma was hoping she'd believe (for the sake of his own, fat gut). Akane couldn't bring herself to look at Nodoka; she felt too ashamed to make eye contact. Genma Saotome walked to the stage and began his eulogy.

"Ah, my son Ranma," Genma said, "He was a man – a _real_ man."

Nabiki started snickering. Akane shook her head; she would have thought her sister had better self-control than that.

Genma was just getting started. "He died like a man, and so too did he live like a man. He was a manly man, a man among men. Ranma was a_ man's man!_"

Akane couldn't hold back giggling at that. No way. She covered her mouth and pretended she was sobbing.

"He was desired by every woman he met. He was a skilled martial artist, very talented, and it would have done me proud to see him carry on my name and the Saotome Anything-Goes style. Sadly, that won't be happening. And now, the Saotomes and the Tendos can no longer be joined. But even worse, I am without a son. And a manly son at that. Very manly." At that, Genma seemed satisfied with what he'd said, and sat down.

Ryoga stood up before the assembled audience. "Friends, relatives, my fellow martial artists – lend me your ears, for we are gathered here today to remember a great man, a man with a dream – a dream that one day… that one day he would find love. And he did find it…. He found it in all our hearts. Alas, poor Ranma – I knew him well. We were rivals, and fought each other many times, but more than that, we were… friends. Very good friends."

Ryoga started to tear up. "He was a great man, who would do anything for me… for any of those he cared for, because he was just that way, a guy you could count on, who was always there for you, he was always there…."

Ryoga wiped his face, spasms of sobs rocking in his chest. Then he straightened up, meeting the eyes of everyone in the audience. "I know he'll always be with me. He's with me now. He's with all of us –" Ryoga licked his lips. "In spirit. Until he's absorbed into the collective mass of our ancestors in about forty days, of course – and then he'll still be looking out for us, with all the others we've known who've gone. And someday, we'll join them."

That was all Ryoga had to say, and it was just as well, because his eulogy would have turned worse the longer he continued to talk.

Then Mr. Soun Tendo stood up, "Ah, Ranma, I hardly knew ye… even though I lived with ye…." And that's when he realized that, truth to tell, he had no idea of what to say. "Perhaps his fiancée can speak a few words?"

Akane blushed. "Daddy…."

Ukyo, Ranma's other fiancée, leapt onto the right-hand side of the stage (to the audience), wielding her giant spatula. "Oh, Ran-chan! You've been mine since childhood! You _can't_ be dead!"

The next instant, Kodachi, the not-so-much-his-other-fiancee, was at the left-hand side of the stage, littering it with black rose petals. "My darling Ranma! Our love shall last for an eternity!"

Shampoo, his other-other-fiancée, smashed through the wall behind the table with Ranma's picture. "Shampoo no let Airen go! Shampoo love Ranma most!"

Ukyo shouted, "No, _I_ love Ran-chan most!"

"No, _I _love him most!" Kodachi interjected.

Battle-auras flared.

Things got violent from there.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Amidst the distraction, Akane and Ryoga snuck out of the battlefield into the alleyway behind the Tendo residence.

"Hey," Ranma said, jumping down from the tree where she had been hiding and watching her own funeral. Ranma was in girl form, carrying a backpack – but not her usual backpack with her usual accessories, since she couldn't leave her effects missing lest she arouse suspicion – she had bought new clothes (mostly unisex, except for a few fascinating feminine garments for her Ryoga) and a new, pink backpack (that Ryoga bought for her, because Ranma would never have chose that color) to carry them in for her journey.

Ranma and Ryoga grasped each other's hand, looking deeply into each other's eyes. Akane blushed to see the depth of emotion that ran between them – and frankly it made her really nervous to think all that came from a magical fishing pole. Did that mean their love wasn't real? Or was love nothing more than a magical force that compelled people to do outrageous things and feel intense emotions they otherwise might not normally feel?

After a few moments of ogling, Ranma asked, "What was up with your eulogy?"

Ryoga replied, "I'm not that great an actor, so I just tried thinking like you really _were _dead… and I just couldn't take it." Ryoga wrapped his arms around her.

"Aw, you silly, sentimental boy," the red-haired girl rested her head on Ryoga's chest and stroked his back.

A few seconds later, Ranma turned to face Akane and said, "Akane, I want to tell you something. We probably won't see each other in person again – or at least not for a long while – and I have to admit, I'm going to miss you. All those times I said you were un-cute – well, I didn't mean it." Akane caught her breath. Ranma smiled and continued, "Not to say that I feel anything for you like what I feel for Ryoga. What I mean is that I think we've developed a real friendship – even though we've fought a lot, sometimes we've fought _with_ each other and not just _against _each other. Ain't I right?"

Akane stammered, "I – I suppose so."

"We'll keep in touch, all right?" Ranma said. "Let me know how your family's doing. And my family, too. You can keep in touch with my mother, right?"

"Of course!" Akane said. "I was almost her daughter-in-law, after all – and we got along better than most in-laws are reputed to. We'll probably exchange newsletters during the holidays." Not to mention fruitcakes, although Akane was horrible at making fruitcake. Whenever Akane made fruitcake, it always turned out edible.

"Yeah," Ranma said, smirking – but a tear was running down her cheek. "You don't think – you don't think I could visit my mom as Ranko, do you?"

Her look stabbed Akane through the heart. "If Nodoka says anything to my family, they'll know something suspicious is going on."

"Yeah," Ranma sniffed. "You're right. But they… right, your father. Maybe someday this can be straightened out. Maybe we were a little hasty."

Akane shook her head. "It's too late to back out of this, Ranma. Not unless you're willing to face a _real_ death. I don't mean seppuku; I mean our families will kill you for putting them through all the funerary expenses."

Ranma nodded. Ryoga squeezed Ranma's hand. The sometimes-girl heaved a teary sigh. "Well," she said, turning to her love, "Show me the world, Ryoga."

"With you to guide me," Ryoga replied.

A tear started down Akane's cheek. Ryoga and Ranma hugged her, said "goodbye," and then turned around and began a long journey into a sunset of misty crimson and gold.

Akane sighed and whispered to herself, "Saotome Ranma no baka – this is such a weird and corny way for you to leave my life."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Shampoo, the Chinese Amazon with long bluish hair, returned from the funeral to the Cat Café in tears. Cologne, the wise old crone who was matriarch of Shampoo's village and owner of the temporary Café (until they could finally ensnare Ranma to return with them to China) was at the young warrior's side, patting her back.

"There, there, Shampoo," Cologne said. "He was a womanizer, anyhow."

"No say bad thing about Airen!" Shampoo said. "Great grandmother not very respectful of dead!"

Cologne sighed. "You're right. He would've been a proud addition to our family. An excellent warrior. But with him gone, our business is just about done here."

Shampoo sniffled. "We leave Japan?"

"We _will,_" Cologne said, "But first you must kill Akane."

Shampoo gasped. "What?"

Cologne turned to her great granddaughter. "'What'! What do you mean, 'what'? Have you forgotten? You gave her the Kiss of Death!"

"Shampoo _did?_"

Cologne shook her head, clucking in shame. "Yes, you did. Shortly after you were first betrothed to Ranma. You can't return to the village until it is done."

"B-but… with Airen gone, Akane no threat to Shampoo. Shampoo have no need to kill Akane."

"Yes, but 'rules are rules'; we cannot break the laws of our tribe for convenience sake."

Shampoo squirmed. "Shampoo no like this…."


	2. Mm Angst

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 2 – Mm… Angst

Ranma and Ryoga walked into the sunset down Nerima's avenues, leaving with no plans of ever returning.

"So… where we goin'?" Ranma asked.

"Let's see," her boyfriend replied, scratching his forehead. "I suppose we could go home. To_ my_ house, I mean."

"Sure thing," Ranma said. "How do you think your parents will respond when they find out that you're dating a guy?"

"You're not _always _a guy," Ryoga said. For a while they walked quietly, Ryoga frowning and thinking, Ranma looking worriedly at her love and waiting to see if she would get a _real_ answer to her question. Ryoga sighed. "They probably won't be home."

"I see."

"Not for a few months. They inherited my sense of direction, you know."

"Gotcha."

Ryoga contemplated for a little while longer. "We can go the long way."

"In other words," Ranma said, "I just let _you _lead us there."

"_Or, _we can go somewhere else," Ryoga said. "I mean, take a little vacation and get to know each other. We can send my parents some postcards – maybe let them know that we're together…. Before we _surprise_ them – you know?"

"Good idea." Ranma nodded. "I've got enough money for airplane tickets out of the country. I mean, since I no longer need to pitch in my savings to repair the Tendo dojo… We could go to Jusenkyo. Whaddaya think? I mean, I sure as hell don't wanna keep changing into a girl my whole life, and you've always wanted to be rid of that pig-curse, so – Ryoga?" Her love wasn't beside her. _He's lost again!_ Her heart revved up like a motorcycle. She turned – and saw that he was behind her. He'd stopped walking and was staring at his feet.

Ranma rushed to her beloved's side. "What's the matter, Ryo-chan? Isn't it a good idea?"

"Ah, Ranma," Ryoga scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "We don't need to go _that _far, do we? I mean, there are all sorts of great places on our native island –"

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "What's up with this? You don't wanna get rid of your curse? You _like _being a pig?"

Ryoga shrugged and said, "Well, transforming _does_ have its advantages."

"Like what? Getting you in bed with Akane?"

Ryoga giggled. "Yeah, I guess – _urk!"_

Ranma was surrounded with spiky blue battle-aura. The way she regarded Ryoga now was enough to make the man shudder. Ranma spat the words: "Why should _that _matter now?"

"Uh… not at all! I don't like her like that – not anymore. You're the only one for me. I'm just saying… saying that I think being able to transform… What I really mean is…" Ryoga inhaled and blurted, "Ithinkyourecuteasagirl." That was what Ryoga had been trying to avoid saying since the beginning.

And perhaps Ryoga was wise for wanting to keep that thought a secret.

"I see," Ranma growled. She pointed at her bust – "_This_ is what it's really about, then, huh? You just like my _girl_ side, huh? You think I've gotta great chest, a nice ass, a thin waist, killer hair – oh yeah, I'm hot – but the _guy _side, you could care less about. You just want the body, you're not into my intelligence, my charming personality, my modesty, my self-awareness –"

"But I _do _value those things!" Ryoga said, waving his arms desperately as some anime characters are wont to do in such situations. "It's just that, well…."

Ranma's foot was going "tap, tap." Her arms were crossed, as though restraining her hidden fists from whacking him directly to Hokkaido.

"… I just feel that your feminine side is an important part of you, and I've gotten attached to it."

"Is that so?" Ranma replied. "Then how about this, Ryoga? I'll stay a girl as long as _you _stay a pig, okay?"

Ryoga sighed. He had already anticipated needing to make that sacrifice, so the deal was sealed without much haggling, but still – he didn't much like being a pig.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

The Tendo family was sitting in the dining room, enjoying a spot o' tea, when all of a sudden the middle sister pointed into the yard at a figure that had just jumped over the fence. "Look," Nabiki said. "It's Shampoo."

"Shampoo?" Akane repeated, looking over her shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

Shampoo stood like a soldier at attention. The Amazon warrior said, "Violent-girl! Shampoo challenge you to duel to death!"

"_What?_" Akane bounced to her feet, facing Shampoo. "What's this about?"

"You accept?"

Akane crossed her arms, striking a pose. "A true martial artist never refuses a challenge. But I would like to know why –"

"This long time coming."

"If that's how it is, then," Akane said, sighed, and then raised a fist as she proclaimed: "I accept!"

Shampoo nodded. "Then this begin."

The Amazon bared her favored weaponry: balls on sticks… er, that is, chúi. Shampoo charged at Akane, who stood her ground and dodged the instant Shampoo swung her chúi down on her position. The table shattered. Soun was thankful that he was holding his teacup at the time. No one likes to lose his tea.

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Akane leapt into the yard; the Amazon turned to face her.

Nabiki shook her head. Something didn't feel right here. "Hey, Shampoo! What's this about?"

"No distract Shampoo!" Shampoo growled – and as she said this, she turned to face the house, leaving herself open for a fist pummeling from Akane. The warrior skidded across the yard, into the pool.

"Ha," Akane said. "I guess I win."

An angry cat emerged, hissing, and rushing over to the pot of tea on the table. Nabiki lifted the kettle and said, "Nah-ah-_aah_!"

Akane strutted over to the table, took the kettle from her sister, and poured it over Shampoo. The girl morphed into human form (nude now) and tackled Akane.

"Hey now," Nabiki said. "Get a room, you two."

"You _sicko!"_ Akane attempted to back-kick her sister, but Nabiki successfully dodged, backing into the wall. While Akane was distracted, Shampoo grappled Akane's leg and tripped her to the floor.

"Shampoo!" Akane howled. "What are you doing? Why can't we just be friends?"

"Shampoo must kill Akane," the Amazon replied. "Shampoo give Akane Kiss of Death." Shampoo stood up and attempted to stamp on Akane's back, but the Tendo rolled away in time and got to her feet.

"So?"

Shampoo started punching. Akane slapped the punches aside, arms working as though she was swimming through water. (Yes, yes – I _know_; it's called "irony.")

"Must kill, or else break law in returning to village."

Shampoo did a high kick, and Akane dodged to the side, grabbing Shampoo's leg, unbalancing the Amazon, forcing her backwards and to the ground. Shampoo's eyes were wide with surprise.

"Shampoo," Akane said, "If this is a battle for honor, why aren't you fighting me with all your heart?"

Shampoo had no reply. She merely blinked, lying still and naked on the floor. Akane let Shampoo's leg drop; when Shampoo stood up, neither made any move to continue the battle. Shampoo walked into the yard, picked up her chúi and her clothes, and left. Akane crossed her arms and shook her head as she watched her rival leave. There was something of Ranma in that posture. Nabiki and Kasumi exchanged glances. Soun sipped his tea, while a tear crept down from his eye as he remembered how many times Ranma used to break the table, and that indeed, a Saotome was not going to marry one of his daughters and, the greatest sadness of all, the cost of purchasing another table.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Ranma, girl and soaked from the rain, jogged into the painfully white motel office clutching her chest. She was carrying two backpacks, one strap looped over each shoulder. The rotund man with glasses and white polo shirt behind the counter smiled.

"A room for two, please," Ranma said.

"Certainly," he said.

Ranma swung down the pink backpack and, keeping a hand to her chest, rummaged through the bag, pulling out a wallet. Ranma paid for the room in cash, having emptied her bank account before her death. Hopefully pops wouldn't become suspicious and come looking.

The man maneuvered around the desk, asking, "Do you need help with those bags, miss?"

Ranma replied, "No thanks! I'm pretty tough stuff." Ranma smiled and hefted the backpack over her shoulder.

**Snort!**

The man started at the sudden noise, and Ranma slipped into an exaggerated chortle.

"I must be getting a cold from the rain," she said. "I'd better get right over to my room, then." And Ranma sped out the door and, making extra-long leaps, arrived at room 122 across the muddy parking lot within seconds. Why the rooms had three digits, Ranma couldn't figure, because the motel only had one story – but that wasn't important.

She jiggled the keys in the lock until the door squealed open, then reached inside to slap at the backside of the inside wall. Ranma's hand slipped across the switch, and the ceiling lamp came on, making a pitiful difference in the lighting quality. As soon as Ranma was in the room, she reversed herself, dropped the backpacks onto the vomit-colored carpet, and then pulled up her shirt.

Ryoga squealed as he realized that he was falling away from his beloved's soft, warm bosom to a carpet that smelled like wet fur, cigarettes, and a few other things that were less pleasant and more difficult to identify. Ryoga glared up at Ranma and grunted with sharp, accusing eyes. Ranma was taking off her blue Chinese suit; her bra was drenched. Ryoga decided not to bite Ranma just then. Maybe later, and in a more good-natured way.

Ranma rubbed at a red spot on her bra. "What's this? How did I get a stain _here_?" She looked down at her pet boyfriend. "So how's about a hot shower?"

Ryoga nodded vigorously, and Ranma lifted him by the belly, brought Ryoga's pig-nose to her girl-nose, and carried him into the off-white, tiled bathroom. Ranma set Ryoga in the tub and turned on the water. Ryoga sprung into human form as Ranma melted into a man.

"Hey, handsome," Ranma said, leering.

Ryoga turned red and huddled his limbs together. "Um… sorry," he said, looking away. "Let's not go too fast, okay?"

Ranma shrugged. "Okay, Ryo-chan."

"Um… can I have a little privacy, then?"

"What? You mean you didn't want me to shower _with_ you?"

Ryoga nodded. Apparently, showering with Ranma seemed like a better idea to Ryoga two seconds ago when he was a furry little pig and not a naked human. Or maybe Ryoga hadn't really chickened out at all and just wanted out of pig-form.

Ranma left him in the shower. _Sheesh, Ryoga, I was looking forward to that shower more than you were, I bet._ Ranma pulled off his pants and feminine undergarments and pulled on some crimson boxers with black lightning bolts – he thought these were a good _manly_ contrast to his other clothes. _Ryoga's got to like my male side, doesn't he? He's been hooked with the magic fishing rod, after all. I mean, I'm a guy who typically likes girls, and I like his male side, so he must like mine, too._ The only problem was, Ranma knew that he definitely would prefer going wild and naughty with Ryoga's human form as opposed to his pig form. _But that's different. That's gotta be way different._ He'd be able to tell from how Ryoga reacted to his _masculine_ charm. _I'm a guy; it's what I do best._

So Ranma practiced posing a few times in the mirror, and when the door opened he stood by the bed, arms crossed, grinning like a lecherous hound. Ryoga _did_ notice him – he paused from drying his hair, blinked, and said, "The shower's free."

"Sure thing, sugar," Ranma said, swaggering into the bathroom, groping Ryoga from behind as he passed. Ryoga yelped – that was fun.

Ranma felt as though he were entering a sauna. _Mmm, Ryoga smell…._ Ranma shut the door just a second after he dropped his boxers. Ryoga wasn't looking; too bad. Then Ranma wondered, _What's the point of acting all sleazy around him? No point in going too fast. We both want this to work, we both love each other – we're going fast enough as it is, living together. That's not much faster than either of us were with Akane, but then again, Akane wasn't exactly my friendliest fiancée. I don't need to let him see me naked yet, that's too much too soon. I think it's how Ryoga wants us to do things…._ And that was a good reason. Even though Ranma wasn't terribly inclined to do things the way someone else wanted, in this instance he felt it _was_ a good reason.

After turning on the faucet, Ranma stood thoughtless in the shower, letting the hot pressure massage his back, then his chest and face, then his back again, and all over his body so the heat of the shower-water could soothe away the itch of the rainwater. Time wandered off, letting him have his privacy. When time came back, it brought a thought with it: _What am I?_ This thought had visited a few times before, and each time he'd answered, _I'm a man,_and repeated it until the doubt nodded with resignation and left.

Yet his answer didn't feel as comforting now as it had before. He felt simultaneously aware of two things: his current anatomy, and the man in the other room. And then there was his _potential_ anatomy. Ranma turned the faucet to cold, and felt his body realize her femininity. Then she turned the water off, slid the shower-screen aside and stepped out onto the furry beige mat on the tile floor. Ranma pulled out a towel and mopped the moisture off her body as she looked herself over in the mirror.

_What should I think of myself? Am I straight or gay? No – I'm bisexual. That's what I am._ That label seemed appropriate. Ranma was confident she still liked girls. She used to like girls, so why should that stop? Just because she didn't check out women much these days meant nothing – the only man, the only _person_ she looked at now was Ryoga. Ranma didn't need anyone besides Ryoga.

Though girls were still hot.

_But am I a guy? Really and totally a guy? How do I stay the same person between changes? What is it about me that makes me male while I'm female?_

_And do my feelings for Ryoga make me less male? Would the Rod have even worked on me if – of course it would. What am I thinking? It worked on Ryoga, obviously. Or maybe it only worked because sometimes I'm a girl._ Ranma shivered.

_Ooh! I jiggle!_ Ranma started swaying her chest, leering at herself. _I'll never get tired of these things…. Maybe it ain't so bad being a girl. And I love Ryoga – our love is the best thing that ever happened to me._ Or so she liked to think.

Ranma pulled on her boxers and walked into the bedroom, aware yet not aware of her breasts and their wonderful bounciness. Ryoga saw them too, and he reacted as though hit by a knockout punch. And then Ranma knew the source of the red stain on her bra – Ryoga's bloody nose.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Tatewaki, dressed in his usual samurai garb, self-proclaimed as the "Blue Thunder of Furinkan High," champion of the kendo club, and son of the well-to-do Kuno clan, swooped down into the Tendo's yard. Akane was in her white training suit, doing combination blows against a straw-dummy.

"Akane!" Kuno bellowed, "Hearing of the demise of the infernal Ranma, I have come to claim you as my own."

Akane paused in her workout. "Do you know where P-chan is? He's been missing for a long time now."

"I'm afraid I do not know your friend P-chan, Akane, but you needn't worry about him," Kuno said. "I am here for you." He wrapped his arms around her. "I am the only man for you."

Akane gave him a knock in the chin, sending him up and over to the other side of the yard. A second later, Kuno was at her side again. "Oh Akane, your love is rough and full of passion."

"Do you call a punch 'love'?"

"I call all the punches!" Tatewaki said, laughing. "And by the way, _love,_ would you care to see a film with me? How about this instant?"

"No thank you."

"Ah, my Akane, you train so hard," Tatewaki said, shaking his head, and smiling in his handsome way – handsome, if he weren't so dense and annoying. "You should not allow the martial arts to interfere with your love-life."

_My engagement to Ranma being a prime example of – _"Never!"

"Say, where is the pig-tailed girl? I have not seen her for some time."

"She died with Ranma in the explosion."

"Akane, do not lie to me out of jealousy! I have room enough in my heart for both of you." He turned. "Sister Nabiki!" Akane spun to see that her sister was indeed inside the dojo, eating an ice-cream cone, watching them. Kuno asked her, "Where has my pig-tailed goddess gone?"

Nabiki stopped licking to reply, "I'll tell you for two-hundred fifty thousand yen."

"What! I should rather ask someone else than pay such an extorting rate!"

"Fine," Nabiki said with a shrug. "But I'm the only person in Japan who knows where she is."

"Mmm," Kuno thought on this, stroking his clean-shaven chin. "In that case, no price is too high for my love of the pig-tailed goddess," he said, handing over the money. "Now tell me where she is."

"She's in a foreign exchange program. She's transferred to the U.S."

Tatewaki Kuno gripped his chest in shock. "Is this so? Why did she not tell me, then? I must rush to her, and tell her that the dreaded fiend of women, Ranma Saotome, is dead and gone, and then confess my true love for her."

"Go ahead, Kuno," Akane said. "I won't stop you."

"I thank you, my dear," Kuno said, clasping Akane's hand in his. She smacked him with her free hand and wrenched the other hand away. Kuno continued, "Do not fret for me while I am gone, Akane. I shall return to you, and the three of us shall live together in love and harmony."

Nabiki raised two fingers and said, "Peace, man!"

"But first," Kuno said, leaning forward, "A farewell kiss…."

Akane had a clean shot with his face so close. The kick came so hard, and his ego was so huge, he couldn't tell it wasn't a kiss that hit him. Kuno sailed away a happy man. Then Akane turned to Nabiki and said, "Maybe we shouldn't have told him Ranma was in America –"

"Why? At least he'll leave you alone, and I got enough yen out of him I'm covered for the length of his absence. Relax – it's not like Kuno's gonna _find_ Ranma."

Akane gritted her teeth. She just hoped Ranma and Ryoga weren't in the United States. They probably weren't, and if they were, they wouldn't be there for too long. Probably. And even if they were, they had no permanent address. Trying to find _them_ would be like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack – only the needle has legs and no sense of direction. Anyhow, they were skilled martial artists, and either of them could take Kuno alone, easy. And if Kuno _did _find them, it would show Ranma he couldn't always run away from his problems.

Of course, Ranma's typical manner always was to stand and fight – just not when it came to his mother. Or cats. Akane sighed. Nothing to be done about it. So she went up to her punching bag and visualized Ranma – that stinking jerk who fell for a guy while abandoning his duty to his family and never even letting his mother speak to him as himself even once when other people wish they had another chance to speak to their own mother again but never will – and started striking.


	3. In Pursuit of Happiness

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 3 – In Pursuit of Happiness

Two shirtless men fought atop a red plateau, far above the desert, next to a small shelter. Their martial arts prowess would have stunned any ordinary observer, but the combatants were rather familiar with each other's moves by this point. Ranma, in boy-form, let loose a barrage of punches at Ryoga, which Ryoga noted but didn't really feel. Ryoga swung his leg to Ranma's leg and brought him to the ground.

"You're going easy on me," Ryoga said, lending out his hand. "We can't train together anymore."

"Are you sure?" Ranma asked.

Ryoga shrugged and turned his face to the side. "Hey, I'd hate to hurt that pretty face of yours."

Ranma sniggered, and then said, "I suppose I'd better clean off this sweat." He kicked up a pail of cold water from off the ground with his foot.

"Hold on," Ryoga said, "Save some of that for me. How am I going to clean myself off?"

"Oh, P-chan," Ranma chided playfully, "You're sexy when you're sweaty."

Ranma kicked the bucket into the air again, caught it, and dunked himself – I mean, herself. Whichever – Ranma was in transition. As Ranma's body shrunk, his breasts filled out.

"Aw, man," Ranma said, tossing Ryoga a towel. "You've got a bloody nose again. It must be the climate."

"Yeah…. It's pretty warm."

"C'mon Ryoga – I'm ready to take things to the next level!"

"But we haven't enough experience!"

"Then we need to see more action!"

Ranma leaped and clung onto Ryoga, and the two collapsed to the ground. Ranma planted kisses all over Ryoga's face, stroking his hair, and whispered, "Sometimes, when you get in the pool, you can't ease in an inch at a time – you've got to _jump _in! You know what I'm saying, Ryoga? … Ryoga? … Oh, darn it! Now's not the time to go unconscious!"

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Shampoo stomped into the Cat Café. Cologne turned to her, eyes narrow and eager. "Did you do it?"

"No."

"Then try again," Cologne said. "You chased the female Ranma across China; I'm sure you can kill an inferior fighter like Akane while she's in the same neighborhood."

"Akane no insult Shampoo," she said. _And she no have as sexy ass to follow._ But Shampoo kept thoughts like that to herself; Cologne had no time for her naughty remarks.

"You silly girl!" Cologne growled. "The law of the tribe is _our _law! You must follow it; else you risk dishonor and banishment."

"Hmph!" Shampoo crossed her arms. "Shampoo no like that. Shampoo only follow law when convenient to do so."

"Don't get cheeky around me," Cologne waved her hand. "It's not as though I had written the law myself to make your life miserable. And don't expect that I will risk my place as matriarch to play favorites and excuse you for breaking one of our most sacred traditions, either. I must be impartial, and if I must punish to make you obey, if I must be harsh to make you harsh, then harsh I shall be. You know you can't resist me. Go kill Akane, or you're never welcome back in the village –"

"But –"

"On pain of death," Cologne shouted. "If you return without Akane's head, you will die. I'm sorry Shampoo, but the law is the law, and I cannot have it broken simply because you are too cowardly to carry it through."

Shampoo was breathing heavily. Her own great grandmother… there was no doubt she meant what she said, but that she had said it… but there was little to be done. Except killing Akane.

"I think I'll start packing today," Cologne said. "Bring proof that Akane is dead, and I will let you return with me."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Somewhere in Southern California, there was a small tropically themed restaurant by the beach. Its concrete walls were decorated with graffiti depictions of sunsets and palm trees, but otherwise it looked like an ordinary diner. A teenage waitress with blond hair with pink streaks dressed in a brightly colored bikini outfit approached the last customer of the day.

"Hey, dude," the waitress said while chewing her gum. "You gonna pay for yer pop now?"

Tatewaki Kuno raised his eyes from the dark brown liquid. He spoke in the outlander tongue: "Pop, soda, soda pop – when will you Americans make up your minds?"

"Whatever, dude," she said, rolling her eyes, rolling the gum around her tongue. "I jus say it like everybody else says it."

Tatewaki couldn't stand to look at the girl any longer. She must have put three sticks in her mouth at once, each of a different flavor, and now they were all cohering together. And frankly, to watch this garishly underdressed low-class barmaid masticate a multi-colored glob of gook was beyond the sensibilities of the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. At least she was well endowed. Looking at her chest, and then turning and looking into the distance, he cleared his mind and poured the last of the cola down his throat.

"You want anything to go, or are you payin' now? We'll be closin' soon."

"That will be all," he said. "But do not expect a tip, for your manner has been crude and your garb tasteless."

The outfit happened to be what she typically wore. Her response was to shake a fist, pop a vein, and growl, "Why I oughtta – jus pay the tab."

"No need," Tatewaki said. "For I am in no financial trouble. Here is your tab." He set U.S. bills and coins on the counter. As he began to walk away from the counter, he heard her mumble, "Idiot."

He turned and said, "I heard that, tavern wench."

She glared at him. "How dare you! I thought you Asians were polite."

"Bah!" he said, raising his chin as he turned away to stride out the door. "I am not accountable to one such as you."

She scowled, picked up Kuno's money, and mumbled at the cash register. As Tatewaki walked out of the restaurant, two joggers brushed by him, and when he turned to express his displeasure at having strangers so near him, he realized that one of the two was a female redhead – with a pigtail!

"Wait!" he shouted, but she didn't stop, and he assumed it was because he had spoken in English, and he wasn't certain of the pig-tailed girl's English skills. Perhaps she would not recognize his voice in English – so it was understandable that she wouldn't turn at once and fling herself into his arms. He rushed forward, shouting in Japanese, "Pig-tailed girl! Stop! It is I, Kuno Tatewaki, your fated lover!"

Kuno glomped the redhead from behind, and she started squealing. The man with her turned and shouted, "Hey, you!" in that slurred, unaesthetic language known as the English tongue. Kuno spun the woman in his arms, and saw that she was Caucasian, just before he was blinded with the pepper spray.

Then a punch came to Kuno's chin, in which case he decided to draw his weapon. Fortunately, he had years of extensive Kendo training, and could do battle even when blinded by the enemy. After he felt multiple strikes hit his attackers, his instincts told him it was safe to run, and he did so well before the police arrived.

Tatewaki, using his martial-artist sixth sense, made his way to a public fountain and rinsed his eyes. He recognized that he was at a public beach, now, on a cement walkway that trailed alongside the shore. The beach was windy; he brushed at his bangs, and sighed as he saw how brilliant and blurry the scarlet sun looked as it hovered over the endless, blurry ocean.

Then he spoke in Japanese: "Ah, pig-tailed girl – whether you are in the East or the West, whatever point of the compass, I shall find you!"

Tatewaki walked out onto the sand. There was no one else there. He gazed across the Pacific – as far as he could, anyway – and apostrophized, "Ah, my homeland. How I miss you dearly, as I miss the pig-tailed girl. I shall retrieve your lost daughter, and bring her home where I shall protect her, and live our lives on your fair shores, where we belong."

Kuno watched the sunset, contemplating and composing haikus until nightfall, when he would return to his hotel room, alone. The police didn't find him.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Nihao."

"Shampoo?" Ukyo looked up from her grill. They were at Ukyo's restaurant, Ucchan's. It was just after the rush of dinnertime, and the sun was setting. Ukyo had heard earlier that day that Shampoo had challenged Akane to a duel, and that Shampoo had walked away naked. Word spread quickly when the word was weird – though of course, Nerima had spoken weirder words before.

Shampoo shuffled her feet. "Shampoo no want fight spatula-girl. Want be friends now. No Ranma, no rivals."

Ukyo paused for a moment and considered this before answering. "Okay," Ukyo replied, nodding. "That makes sense. I think we can give it a try."

Shampoo nodded in return. Then there was a pause filled with uneasy eyes and more shuffling feet.

Ukyo asked, "You want some okonomiyaki?"

"Okay."

"What kind?"

"Um… beef?"

"Coming right up."

Shampoo walked over to a seat, dragging her heels. She sat, watching Ukyo prepare her meal. Shampoo gnawed on her lip.

"Is there something else you came here for, Shampoo?"

Shampoo shrugged and said, "Shampoo need new place to stay. Great grandmother moving away, and Shampoo can no go back to village."

"What!" Ukyo's hands kept moving while her brain absorbed the shock. "Why?"

"Shampoo need kill Akane, but Shampoo…" Shampoo could not maintain eye contact. "Shampoo no can kill." Her face turned red at the admission.

"Oh. Well that's a difficult position to be in," Ukyo said. "I'm pretty sure I couldn't kill anyone, either. I mean, we've all _thought_ like we could, and granted, in our rivalries and passions have been pretty heated… but to actually _go through_ with killing someone… Yeah, that's no small deal."

Shampoo gave Ukyo a strange look – a grateful look. Shampoo had admitted a weakness – a _shameful_ weakness in Amazon society – and Ukyo had given a sympathetic response. Shampoo shocked herself with a tear she quickly wiped away.

Ukyo continued talking. "And Akane really doesn't deserve to get killed. She was the least willing of all us fiancées. And she really _is_ a nice girl, though not so cute as us." Ukyo smiled achingly; Ranma had said she was the cute one. Ukyo could've had him, if only… but he was dead. Dead. "Ranma is dead," she said.

Shampoo blinked and frowned at the sentence, clearly out-of-place. Ukyo didn't notice – she had become caught on a track of thought she had repeated to herself ever since she'd heard Ranma had died: _Get ready to start accepting it Ukyo. Ranma is dead._ And then something new happened that hadn't happened any of the times she'd thought this thought before – tears started drowning her eyes. _No, wait! Not now! Not in front of Shampoo, you idiot! You can accept his death later!_ Ukyo started choking up. "Ranma's gone…."

Shampoo leaned across the counter and glomped Ukyo. Ukyo gasped in surprise. Shampoo felt a burning sensation on her tummy –

"Ai-yaaaaah!" Shampoo released Ukyo and pulled herself back from the grill between them. "Hot! Hot! Hot!"

"Sorry. Thank you, Shampoo," Ukyo said, sniffling. "I-I'll just replace the toppings on yours –"

"Aiyaah! Shampoo have beef all over front."

Ukyo laughed weakly. "Sorry. I can get you another blouse."

"Shampoo have one here," the Amazon said, taking her suitcase from out of the sub-space dimension where anime characters keep their hidden items (mallets and so forth).

"I see," Ukyo said. "That's right – you need a place to stay! How about you stay here?"

"Aiyah! Would spatula-girl do that for Shampoo?"

"If you work for me at low pay, yes!"

"Arigato_, _spatula-girl!"

"I'm your boss now. Don't call me that."


	4. Phases of Ranma

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 4 – Phases of Ranma

Ukyo flipped the window-sign to read "CLOSED" and wiped her hands with a towel. "Another day's work done," she sighed.

Shampoo stretched and yawned. "Shampoo tired."

"Did your grandmother not work you hard enough?" Ukyo teased.

"Hmph!" Shampoo thrust her chin up. "Shampoo no weakling. Shampoo work hard, bring in big money."

"Oh _really?_"

"Hai!" Shampoo said – then gripped her bosom. "With feminine assets! More customers come when see pretty waitress here."

"Right, right." Ukyo was grinding her teeth together; she wasn't aware that she was. "And they don't come to see _me_?"

Shampoo waved her hand at Ukyo. "Ukyo no good at showing off assets. When pretend man, no get customers that way. Shampoo know that 'sex sells'!"

Ukyo ground her teeth harder. Why did everyone have to rub it in her face? Why was it she had to be… _No, _Ukyo thought._ Ranma says _I'm_ the cute fiancée. I _am_ cute. I _am_ sexy._ Damn_ sexy._ Ukyo spat, "Or maybe I don't dress like a _slut_!"

"Ukyo should no use words Shampoo no understand. Shampoo' Japanese is very limited, you know."

"What I mean is – you dress like a _slut._ Are you wearing any underwear underneath there?"

"Why Ukyo care?" Shampoo seemed to be enjoying the conversation. "Ukyo want see?" Then she started revolving her hips. "Ukyo like what she see? Does Ukyo want girly girl?" There was a little mis-communication going on here.

Ukyo was furious. _I was just being honest!_ "I pay you and let you live in my restaurant, and you call me a rezubian?" (That's "lesbian" in Japanese, in case you didn't know!) _Damn it! If only it weren't secretly true that I –_

"What Shampoo suppose think when –"

"What? When I'm so 'manly'? – _Damn_ it! How _dare_ you!"

Shampoo wasn't smiling anymore – as though it had just occurred to her that Ukyo might actually be angry. "Ukyo call Shampoo 'slut'!"

"… Okay, okay," Ukyo said. "You're right; gomen nasai.I was out of line. We were supposed to be friends."

Shampoo pouted. Ukyo ground her teeth again. Then Shampoo tilted her chin downwards, and tried making her eyes look as big as possible.

That was way more innocent cuteness than Ukyo was in the mood for. "Don't look at me like that. You made fun of me, your caretaker, when you could've found a more mature response."

Shampoo looked at her feet. Ukyo raised her arm towards the door and began, "Shampoo –"

"Shampoo sorry," she said, bowing very low. "Gomen nasai."

"Convenient time to be repentant," Ukyo said. "But I'm not so certain that two people with our history can –"

"Shampoo very sorry," the Amazon said – she sounded sincere, but then again, it was a very convenient time to act sincere. "Shampoo beg Ukyo mercy. Please… Gomen nasai."

Ukyo wasn't happy with Shampoo, but considering their former rivalry, one had to expect _some_ tension. Perhaps she was a little hasty in wanting to send Shampoo away. Shampoo had nowhere else to go – or so it seemed. And if they were to learn how to get along, they would eventually make mistakes; if Shampoo learned from this experience to avoid attacking Ukyo's femininity, this encounter wouldn't be entirely negative. Even Ukyo was a little surprised by her own behavior, lately. She was becoming more moody, and Shampoo couldn't have been as prepared as anyone else for Ukyo's reaction. So Ukyo bowed to the Amazon and said, "If you don't insult me in the future, we shouldn't have any more problems."

Shampoo looked up at Ukyo, and started rubbing at her face. Tears were condensing there.

"… Shampoo?"

"Shampoo no mean it," she said. "Only banter, yes? Maybe Amazon banter too rough for Ukyo. Shampoo sorry."

"… Shampoo, you don't have to worry about closing up. Just… I'll finish closing up, and you can… do whatever."

"What? No! Shampoo should close up. Not make Ukyo work more. Ukyo boss, should go have fun and relax while make mean employee do work."

Ukyo shrugged and said, "Fine." Ukyo left the main room and kept walking until she was out of sight. Ukyo leaned against the wall and sighed. Ukyo could barely stop herself from thinking, _Ranma wasn't just teasing Akane when he said I was cute, was he?_

Ukyo peeked around the corner and watched Shampoo clean the restaurant. She wondered, _Am I turning bitter?_

* * *

Ranma (in boy-form) and Ryoga waded knee-deep in some sort of lukewarm, greenish-brown sludge, trudging through vines and past eyes glowing in the depths of the swamp. It stank like old socks and spoiled eggs. Reddish-orange birds squawked in trees, and bats flapped in the upper foliage reflecting the sultry sunlight on their wings as they flew and clung to the branches of fruit trees. The couple hadn't spoken since that morning, but times were becoming desperate. Somewhere in the dark of the jungle, a growl resounded.

Ranma said, "I _told _you we shouldn't have taken that right turn."

Ryoga shrugged. "Well, that's hundreds of miles back –"

"More like ten."

"You're kidding!"

Ranma quirked up an eyebrow. "I'm talking about the right turn from _this morning_."

Ryoga paused a moment, eyes narrowing in thought. "You sure we hadn't taken a left?"

"I'm pretty sure," Ranma said, rolling his eyes.

"You're sure it wasn't a hundred miles back?"

"I'm pretty sure I haven't walked a hundred miles today. Especially with this sludge everywhere."

"Honestly, Ranma, you're becoming such a _girl,_" Ryoga said. "You remember _everything _and you never let it go –"

"Pig!" Ranma shouted. The conversation ended with their eyes clashing and their bodies still and tense. Battle-auras flared. The animals quieted.

Seconds passed, and then the auras calmed, and Ryoga's gaze dropped to his feet – or rather the muck covering up his feet – and he said, "I'm sorry, I –"

"No, I'm sorry, I was worse –"

"But I _am _a pig –"

"And I'm a girl!"

"I don't mean a literal 'pig.'"

"I don't mean a literal 'girl.'"

They stopped talking again. Then a growl from the forest resounded; the trees rustled their long, shady leaves. The couple hadn't made eye contact since it had been broken – until Ranma looked up.

"Ryoga… Am I really a girl to you?" he asked. "More girl than guy?"

Ranma's boyfriend gulped, looked up, towards Ranma, then away –

"Is it really so difficult to answer?" Ranma asked.

"Well… you're like," Ryoga stopped to nibble on his lip. He scratched the side of his head. "You're kinda both."

"Both?"

"One more than the other, sometimes."

"Which am I usually?"

Ryoga shrugged. "Does it matter?"

Ranma sighed. "I guess not." Ranma shook his head and started moving through the sludge again. Ryoga watched his love trudge for a few seconds before trying to catch up to him.

"Say," Ryoga said. "Am I like a pig to you?"

Ranma turned and smiled. "Only occasionally."

"So now you're taking revenge on me."

"Only in good humor, love. It doesn't really matter, does it?"

"… I guess not," Ryoga said. They continued to walk onwards, together. "Um… Ranma…."

"Yeah?"

"I like _both _sides of you."

"You like my girl-form better and we both know it."

"That's not true."

"You'd love all of me like I love all of you if I didn't have this curse."

"Like I said, I _do_ love all of you, and kill me if I'm lying."

Ranma stopped walking again, and Ryoga stopped with him. Ranma couldn't look at Ryoga right now. "Ryo-chan, don't…."

"Don't what? Tell you the truth? Tell you that I love you?"

"_How_ is it the truth?"

Ryoga took in a deep breath, and said, "Your male and female forms, they're like… like the difference between when you're happy or when you're angry. It's like the difference between Ranma in the morning when you've just got up and you're groggy and cranky, and you're hair's a mess and you smell 'cuz you sweat so much at night – and then the Ranma after his coffee and morning jog – and a shower. It's the difference between Ranma naked and Ranma in a tuxedo – all different phases of Ranma, like phases of the moon. I may think your female form is sexier, but I also think you're sexier when you're laughing than when you're angry and yelling at me. And how sexy you are from moment to moment doesn't really change that I love you no matter _how_ you feel, or what form you take, or what you're dressed in, or whatever. I _love_ you."

Ranma blinked. He said, "R-Ryoga… that was beautiful."

"It – it was?"

"To me it was." Ranma glomped Ryoga. "I love you. I'm sorry I've been so bitchy to you."

"That's okay," Ryoga said. "I can't be all that easy to live with – I'm used to living alone most of the time, you know."

"I'm so sorry and I don't want you ever to be lonely again."

"Hey, don't get too emotional."

Ranma laughed and let go of Ryoga. "Yeah, it's that time of the month, you know."

"W-wah? But you're in guy form, why should…. Never mind, I don't want to know the details."

Ranma nodded, turning red as he realized what he'd just confessed. They started walking again. _I suppose gender doesn't matter,_ Ranma thought. _I'm both; there's no getting around it. And Ryoga loves me either way._ Then the sludge seemed to thin, and the swamp didn't seem so much like nature's outdoor sewer as shade from the tropical sun with lukewarm water to soak your legs in.

Then solid ground came in sight, and travel became even easier. They were holding hands, and they knew that even if they were lost, they were lost together.

The studio audience sighs: "Aww…."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

The last lights went out at Ucchan's. Shampoo lay down on her futon in the back room, wondering about the rough exchange earlier.

People were like soap in a bathtub to Shampoo. Her one soap-tray back home was that she was the best warrior in the village. Her _power_ gave her respect; her strength, her technique, her math and computer skills – the Amazons had to move into the twenty-first century, after all – but somehow, it wasn't enough. She could never be sure of who counted as a "friend." Ever since Ranma died, Ukyo felt like the closest person she'd known outside her family. Well, maybe not "close" so much as … well, she respected Ukyo, and now Shampoo wished she could be Ukyo's friend. Which, of course, was a long way away from close – but Shampoo had little experience with closeness, much less anything beyond martial respect and lust. Shampoo didn't dislike Ukyo at all. If only she hadn't taken things the wrong way…. _Does Ukyo hate me now?_ Shampoo wondered in Chinese. _I didn't think such a strong woman could be so sensitive…._

Ukyo obviously wasn't open to having anything _more_ than friendship – that was for sure. Shampoo wasn't thinking when she tried flirtatious banter with Ukyo; she should have gone the same route she did with Ranma – lots and lots of glomping. But Shampoo had a feeling that, since Ukyo felt insulted by the suggestion that she had lesbian inclinations, she probably wouldn't enjoy repeated glomping, either. Shampoo felt lonely, and things had seemed to go so well so quickly on the day she'd first moved into Ucchan's, Shampoo had hoped they could get friendlier. For a moment, she was curious to see if things might get _really_ friendly. Shampoo needed someone to pick her up on the rebound, but she didn't know how to play basketball.

Especially not with girls. She never felt there was anything wrong with liking girls, but how could you dance a lesbian tango when everyone you meet, even the women who dressed as men, acted so homophobic? … Maybe it had more to do with what Shampoo had said about Ukyo covering up her body. She'd never said Ukyo was ugly – Ukyo wasn't ugly. Ukyo probably thought Shampoo was ugly.

Shampoo started crying again. Maybe she would have to apologize again, just to see if it would somehow make things better.

Mousse was the only guy who chased after her. And never a single girl even looked her way. Stupid Mousse. Why did such an annoying, insensitive guy have to be the only one who liked her? … Well, Ranma liked her – sort of, anyhow – but he was gone now.

But there was always her family. Cologne was her family – most of her family, anyway – and now she was cut off….

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Somewhere in New York, a man stood on the balcony of his hotel room gazing into the black sky, sighing, for he could not see the moon, and therefore could not apostrophize to it about his lost love. On the table next to him were sheets upon sheets of all the adolescents registered at the local high schools, which he had managed to acquire by pulling a few strings.

"Pig-tailed girl," Tatewaki breathed, "I will find you. Even though I do not know your name, and therefore acquiring these sheets is useless, I will find you – my lovely pig-tailed goddess. Do you remember the first time we met, my tree-borne kettle-girl? Of course you would – you're a woman; women never forget things like that." Tatewaki sighed. "No woman could ever forget meeting Tatewaki Kuno."

He pondered what strategy would best serve in locating his darling redhead. There was a full moon that night, according to the calendar, but he couldn't see it through the smog. He stayed up all night, with only the sight of the sleepless city to keep him company.


	5. Unexpected Encounters

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 5 – Unexpected Encounters

Ranma giggled as Ryoga slurped down the ramen noodles she'd made for him. It wasn't so bad being a girlfriend, really. She was amazed how much fun it could be to feed a cute boy like Ryoga something she'd made herself. And he made such cute slurping noises, too! And the cute face Ryoga made while eating… but then again, his face was _always_ cute.

"That's the last of the ramen," Ranma said, putting the bowl and chopsticks aside. They were in Ryoga's – _their_ – tent. _Where,_ they didn't know anymore, but what they _did_ know was that the nights were hot.

"Wanna have sex now?" she offered.

Ryoga's face turned completely red and blood shot out his nose.

"Guess not," she sighed.

"I- I- I –"

"No, don't worry. I'm ready whenever you're ready."

"B-but r-really, Ranma, I'd l-love t–"

"I know, I know," Ranma said, wiping Ryoga's reddened collar with a wet rag. "I mean, I have no doubt you'd love to, but I would prefer that I didn't need to call 9-1-1 before we were done…."

Ryoga had such a disappointed look on his face she could hear his inner voice thinking, _Aw, man, I blew it. All because of this stupid, leaky nose_. Ranma smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Ryoga blushed – by this point he could take at least _that_ much without blood loss.

"I love you, Ryo-chan," Ranma sighed, and leaned her head against his chest. _I _am_ getting girly, _she thought. Ranma had learned how to act this way intentionally at first – before Ryoga, she found she could manipulate other men to her advantage. After Ryoga, she did it to drive her boyfriend wild. And now Ranma had started developing feminine habits. This was to be expected, – but his mother kept coming to mind.

Ryoga put his arms around Ranma, and she thought, _Why should _I_ care? Mom's not gonna kill a dead son. Or daughter. This is what I am._ But manliness had meant more to Ranma long before he learned about his contract with his mother. All those old sex roles socialized into him from his father, and what-not. _But it doesn't matter._ Saying that to himself helped – sort of – and Ryoga had been really supportive of his femininity. So why should manliness _still_ be a big deal?

Was that _really_ the issue writhing in the back of Ranma's mind?

Akane probably hated him for never telling his mother. Nabiki would hate him even more, if she knew. But he couldn't –

"What's going on?" Ryoga whispered. "Why've you gone from horny and cheerful to looking so wistful?"

"I - I'm getting lonely. You ever think about Nerima, and the Tendos? Or Ukyo, and Shampoo, and all them guys?"

"Sometimes… But not about Akane."

Ranma giggled. "It's okay if you do, Ryo-chan. And 'course I'm grateful to have you, but sometimes, I miss them."

Ryoga licked his lips. "Really, we…."

"I know, sugar. It's our own fault. Heh, Ukyo used to call me 'sugar,' didn't she? You think much of Ukyo rubbed off on me?"

"You only have her good mannerisms."

"Quit flattering me," Ranma said. Then she giggled again. "No, keep flattering me. If I can have only one constant in my life, I'd like it to be you."

"Anything for you, baby."

"You're such a dope, Ryo-chan – and that's why I love you."

Ryoga squeezed her as a response. Ranma lifted her head and brushed her lips against her boyfriend's chin, then started placing loud kisses along his jaw, and then closer to his lips, and when they met, the first kiss was little more than a graze, the second was a little closer and longer, and in the third their lips fused their mouths together like a skyway that their tongues traversed to touch and taste each other. This kiss lasted for a while. Ranma groaned, content, for now. She was lying in Ryoga's lap, and his hands supported her back while he leaned in. Ranma pulled herself further back, forcing him to move forward or break off the kiss, the latter option not attractive to either of them – and Ranma held the back of Ryoga's head firm against her face – so little by little she moved out of his lap until she was lying on the floor, and he was crouched over her.

They broke the kiss and gasped.

"What are you doing?" Ryoga asked. "I thought we weren't…. Never mind."

Ranma shook her head. "That's not what I was planning." She unbuttoned her shirt. "I was just getting ready for the cuddle before bedtime."

"Already? Bed right after dinner? Before I brush my teeth?"

"Or the cuddle before the cuddle before bedtime." Ranma rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Lie on top of me now."

"Okay," Ryoga said, and obeyed, making Ranma's breasts into pillows. Ranma unbuttoned her shirt a little, giving Ryoga the opportunity to risk another nosebleed – if he wanted. If there was any hope for him, he could take this much.

Ryoga licked his lips, gazing at the pale slope whose top was hidden under aquamarine cloth – and slowly pulled the covering aside. Ranma pulled out some Kleenex with her right hand, traded them to her left hand, and readied them inches from Ryoga's nose in case he failed the test. She was going to keep testing him until he built up resistance, but darned if she would let him stain her tops in the process. They didn't have a lot of money for clothes.

And then Ranma's breast was revealed – and Ryoga did not spurt blood. He sighed and started stroking her, and Ranma started feeling pride, relief, and warm-fuzzies all at once for Ryoga. After the first thirty seconds, she decided it was safe to put the tissues aside. After the next five minutes of Ryoga fondling her boobs, Ranma thought, _Strange – I haven't paid much attention to those things for a while, except when it's come to charming Ryoga._ "Used to play with 'em all the time, myself."

Ryoga blushed, and kissed her. Ranma laughed. They didn't talk for a while, not feeling the need. Instead, they listened to the crickets chirping, and the strumming of a far-off banjo as an in-bred voice began a howling ballad to the bright, full moon. Outside the bug-screen of the tent, they watched fireflies drift into the sultry air and mingle and blend their light with the stars.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Time you die," The Chinese amazon whispered to Akane her prey – who was not at all within sight or earshot, but she'd said it anyway because it was dramatically appropriate to do so. (After all, she was not such a great martial artist that she had learned the secret art of internal dialogue. That truly _would_ be a feat to master!) Shampoo leapt onto the roof of the Tendo's house and started crawling across the tiles like a gecko. She oriented herself towards Akane's room, until….

… Until she saw the most beautiful sight in the world.

"Aiyah!" the Amazon breathed. She crept closer, without thinking, without knowing what she was doing – she made her way towards Nabiki's window.

Nabiki was undoing her belt._ Slowly,_ Shampoo thought in Chinese. _Nice and slowly, girl._ Shampoo watched as Nabiki unzipped and let her jeans skid downwards, revealing the back of her legs. Nabiki's feet danced themselves free from the denim. Shampoo lifted her gaze to Nabiki's hips – her naughty parts protected from prying eyes by white lace panties – then up further to watch Nabiki unbutton her shirt, then letting the sleeves slide away like crimson and yellow leaves from an autumn tree, leaving the smooth, tan bark of the slender limbs exposed.

Shampoo crept closer.

Nabiki turned. "Shampoo!" her muffled voice drilled through the glass to parade through Shampoo's ears. Nabiki opened her window. Shampoo recoiled like a spring then released herself forward through the air, to collide with Nabiki, to glomp onto her chest, knocking Nabiki back so that both fell to the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Nabiki…," Shampoo sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing her cheek against Nabiki's chin, neck, and shoulders. The Amazon warrior started to purr.

"Shampoo… why are you here?"

Shampoo opened her eyes and stopped purring. "Nabiki forgive Shampoo. Shampoo came to kill Akane, but decide no do that anymore." Shampoo was surprised to hear herself say it. Her mouth had decided before her brain had, but after she'd said it, her brain agreed to go along. Shampoo didn't want to leave Japan anymore.

"What? Why not? … Er, not that I _want _you to kill my sister, but –"

"Akane Nabiki's sister," Shampoo said.

"Very true. I knew that already. So what?"

"No hurt Akane because Akane Nabiki's sister."

"Really. And why are you on top of me?"

"Wo ai ni." (subtitle: "I love you.")

Nabiki glanced down at the subtitle, then looked up at the girl on top of her. "You're kidding."

"No kidding."

"Get off me before I use this to blackmail you."

Shampoo stood. "You no like me?"

Nabiki stood, adjusting her bra strap. "Did I give any indication that I _did_?"

"Shampoo no know. Only start seducing Nabiki just now. Never see Nabiki with lover. Nabiki want experiment with sexuality? Get know herself and Shampoo better? No harm try!"

"You're really quick in relationships, you know that?"

Shampoo shrugged. "Why be slow?"

Nabiki inhaled, exhaled, and then said, "Get out."

"Airen –" Shampoo slapped a hand over her mouth. Nabiki gave her a look that said, "No way I'm your fiancée." Shampoo squeaked "Eep!" and bounced out of the room. Seconds after she had left, Nabiki shut the window, only to hear a knock on her door.

"Nabiki?" It was Kasumi's voice. "Is someone in there with you?"

"No, not at the moment," Nabiki called back. "Just talking to myself." As though Nabiki had any wish to let Kasumi know that Shampoo had been seducing her! … _Trying_ to seduce her….

"You're so silly," Kasumi said, cheerful and unsuspicious. Nabiki heard her sister's footsteps patter away.

Now Nabiki would need locks on her window, and the door. She couldn't let Shampoo sneak into her bedroom again. That would be… stressful. Nabiki looked out into the Nerima night sky. The moon was large, much like the pervert Happosai was at large, and the stars, like the undies he swiped, were beyond counting. Nabiki sighed – sighed for Shampoo's unexpected behavior, for Kasumi's normal behavior, and for the strange, random Happosai similes. Nabiki rolled onto her bed, then reached to her desk lamp and turned out its light.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

It was a sultry day in the city, whatever city it was. People spoke English here, that's all Ranma and Ryoga knew. Several blocks were closed to traffic for some kind of street fair, and hordes of people were wandering around, raiding the tented vendors' stalls. Ranma and Ryoga debated whether or not to get any souvenirs, since Ranma wasn't big on spending money, but Ryoga wanted something to commemorate their trip through wherever it was they were.

A voice called from across the street: "Pig-tailed girl!"

Ranma froze in her tracks. "W-w-w-_wah?_"

Ryoga looked over at his girlfriend, puzzled. "Are you _singing,_ Ranma?"

The voice called again: "My pig-tailed goddess!"

Ranma whispered, "Oh no." She grabbed Ryoga by the arm, pulling him in the opposite direction of the voice, saying, "We've gotta go."

Ryoga let himself get dragged along – no use arguing with Ranma when she's like _this_ – but he still had lots of questions. "What? Where? Why? How?"

"Kuno!"

"Who?"

"Pig-tail!"

"Oh."

The couple halted. Tatewaki Kuno stood before them, one hand at the hilt of his blade, the other brushing his forehead. He looked downward and to the side, as though pensive. "Ah, my pig-tailed goddess – we meet again."

"Hi, Kuno-sempai," Ranma said, jumping behind Ryoga. "This is my boyfriend, Ryoga."

Kuno's gaze bore into Ryoga like a laser. Kuno said, "Your _what_?"

Ryoga swallowed, and said, "Boyfriend."

"Pig-tailed girl," Kuno said, "How –"

"It's nice to see you again after all this time," Ranma said aloud, then whispered in Ryoga's ear, "We can take him."

Kuno said, "I see now why you have come all this way to America – you have been kidnapped by this wayfaring insult-to-martial-artists here."

Ranma blinked. "You _know_ Ryoga?"

"Mere acquaintance," Kuno replied.

"We know people who know us…. er, a 'friend of a friend' sort of thing, though not necessarily involving friends, you know?"

Ranma said, "I already knew _that_ much, but I don't remember you two ever being introduced."

Ryoga shrugged. "Neither do I."

"That is beside the point," Kuno said, unsheathing his kendo stick. "I must defeat you now, and win the hand of the beautiful pig-tailed girl."

Ryoga growled, "Can't you just call her by her name?"

"Prepare yourself!"

"Stand aside," Ryoga said. "I'll take care of him." He took out his umbrella and pushed Ranma away.

"Hey! I'm a martial artist too, you know," she said. "And frankly, I would rather not risk you losing."

"Don't worry for me, pig-tailed girl."

"Not _you._"

"Have faith in me, Ranma."

"Ranma is dead!"

Ryoga blinked, looked to the redhead, then back at Kuno. "Um… yeah, whatever."

Ranma just shook her head and said, "Just beat him, Ryo-chan."

"'Ryo-chan?'" Kuno repeated, "'_Ryo-chan!'_ Thou shalt die for so twisting the pig-tailed girl's mind, vile wretch!" And before he'd even finished saying that, Kuno began to charge Ryoga.


	6. Fun Times at Furinkan High

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention of me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 6 – Fun Times at Furinkan High

In the midst of a sultry Southern city, umbrella met kendo stick as two men battled for the love of a red-haired pig-tailed girl who was also a guy. Ryoga's weapon was heavier, yet his strength did not allow this to infringe on his speed. Still, Kuno had a slight speed advantage, but to no avail – Ryoga's body was tougher than his. Only a few blows knocked Kuno to his feet.

"Ha ha!" Ryoga cried in triumph. "Now you see who is worthy of –"

Ranma yelled, "Look out – he regenerates quickly!"

Sure enough, Kuno stood once again, his eyes blood-shot with fury. "Ryoga Hibiki – my name is Tatewaki Kuno. You stole my girlfriend. Prepare to die."

Tatewaki attacked again, beating at Ryoga with blow after blow, faster than he could block them all. Ryoga was knocked back, but not down.

Ranma gave Kuno the Raspberry. Kuno did not see this. Ryoga charged and struck Kuno's kendo stick, cracking it in two. Kuno gasped in shock.

"I – I don't believe it! You broke my kendo stick!"

"So how about that?" Ryoga asked. "You giving up yet?"

"Never!" Kuno growled. "Tatewaki Kuno does not know the name of defeat. Nothing can stand in the way of my love for the pig-tailed girl."

"Her name's _Ranma._"

"Silence, fool!"

"Would you mind showing him that you aren't always female?"

"It's been tried before."

"I will now face you with feet and fists," Kuno bellowed. "Put away your weapon and fight like a man."

Ryoga sighed and set his umbrella aside. Ranma wondered how this would turn out – he'd seen Ryoga without a weapon before, but as far as he knew, Kuno had no skill beyond kendo. Kuno was probably in for another ass-kicking.

Kuno made several roundhouse kicks that Ryoga easily dodged; Ryoga jump-kicked Kuno in the face, Ranma-style.

"Heh," Ryoga said, over the collapsed Kuno. "I win again."

And on the third second of the countdown, Tatewaki rose again. His voice thundered, "Ryoga Hibiki…."

"Does this guy _ever_ give up?"

"Not that I've known," Ranma replied. "Must be desperate."

"'Desperate'?" Kuno repeated. The next instant, Tatewaki was hugging Ranma around the waist from behind. "Desperate for your love."

"My body is not a toy!" she squealed, and then knocked him with a backhanded fist to the face. Kuno collapsed again. Then she fluttered her eyelashes at Ryoga. "Except for you." Ryoga gulped and turned red.

Ryoga hefted his umbrella on his shoulder. "Let's get outta here."

"You read my mind, Ryo-chan."

"No, wait!" Kuno cried, his hand rising from his spot on the ground like a zombie rising from the grave. "Pig-tailed girl…."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Furinkan High's cafeteria wall burst open, scattering rubble across the floor and plaster-powder into the air. Some people were surprised enough at this development to turn in their seats. Nabiki was already facing the wall, and when she saw it shatter, she trembled to see Shampoo walk through the gap, carrying a flat box and approaching her table. Nabiki had a feeling this was going to be a continuation of last night.

"Nihao, Nabiki!" Shampoo chimed.

"Shampoo," Nabiki set down her chopsticks. "What are _you_ doing here?" The Tendo thought, _Please don't tell me you're bringing me lunch!_

"Shampoo bring Nabiki lunch!" Shampoo leaned over and opened the box, presenting a big okonomiyaki topped with a heart-shaped design made of sauce, in addition to an excellent view down Shampoo's front at some well-developed secondary female characteristics.

"Did Ukyo make this for you?"

"Shampoo make specially for Nabiki!" Shampoo said. "But Ukyo make Shampoo pay for meal. She say, 'No such thing as free lunch.'"

"I beg to differ," Nabiki replied. "After all, you're not making _me _pay for this lunch, are you?"

"Eat up," Shampoo said, nudging the okonomiyaki closer, moving her body closer; Nabiki leaned back.

"Shampoo," Nabiki drew in a deep breath, exhaled, and asked, "Why are you doing this?"

Shampoo's eyes widened and lips pursed. "Is no obvious? Shampoo like you!"

"Yeah, but…" Nabiki looked around the cafeteria. She didn't know if Shampoo could sense anything, but the middle Tendo sister was aware that all the eyes at every table were staring in their direction. And the mouths accompanying them were quieter than usual. Even Yuka and Akane, who were sitting next to Nabiki, held their sushi-laden chopsticks inches away from their mouths, sitting so still they must have forgot they were eating; they were staring at Shampoo. Then Nabiki. Then back at Shampoo.

Nabiki asked, "_Why_ do you like me?" _Why did I ask a stupid question like _that?_ Do I really want to know –?_

Shampoo said, "Shampoo like good money-maker."

Nabiki's eyes bulged and her jaw dropped. "I can't believe you said that!"

"Why?" Shampoo tilted her head. Yuka and Akane moved their gazes from Shampoo to Nabiki, and stayed there. Their eyebrows were raised, but otherwise their mouths were still open and their hands holding chopsticks with uneaten sushi.

Nabiki blushed. "Because that's… _dirty!_"

Shampoo blinked. Then she giggled and said, "That no what Shampoo mean. Nabiki have dirty mind. Only mean Nabiki good with money. Also very aware of things and smart – usually."

Nabiki's face was turning redder. "I – I –"

Shampoo grinned in a way that made Nabiki's guts churn and her heart beat. Shampoo said, "Dirty mind also good. Means have imagination for fun times in bed." (Is Shampoo right? Who knows….)

Nabiki's mouth moved without sound for a few seconds, and then she said, "Would you... just... _go away_?" She turned to her sister. "Will you just _eat_ that eel?" Akane stuffed her chopsticks in her mouth. Then Nabiki turned to Yuka – she was already chewing.

Shampoo frowned. "Nabiki... no like Shampoo?"

"Ah… No, just... You're making a scene."

Shampoo straightened her back, but her shoulders were slumped, and a tear was already forming in her right eye. "Nabiki… _hate_ Shampoo?"

"Ahh –"

"Shampoo only want Nabiki to be happy," she said, voice hushed and rasping. "Shampoo understand if no swing that way. Why can't just enjoy lunch and be friends?"

"… I-I'm sorry, I –"

"Hate Shampoo!" and the Chinese Amazon turned and ran out the hole she made when she came in.

Nabiki sighed and covered her eyes. _Was I too rough on her? That's no way to treat someone who likes you. Not when you haven't made any money off of them, first. She's probably lonely, now with Ranma and her great grandmother gone, and she can't go home. If only she hadn't made such a huge entrance and got everybody staring at us –_ Nabiki wasn't used to this sort of attention from someone female. Or a martial artist. She'd never dated a martial artist before, even though (or rather _because_) she came from a family of martial artists. Dating someone of either type could cause different kinds of trouble for Nabiki, and Shampoo was both.

When Nabiki uncovered her eyes, she saw Akane and Yuka were staring at her again.

Nabiki sighed again._ Why is this happening to _me?

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Ranma (in girl-form) nuzzled against Ryoga's bare chest, topless. They were in the tent, resting from a long day of travel. Ryoga stroked her hair. His nose was not bleeding.

"Mmm… Ryo-chan?" Ranma whispered. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine," Ryoga sighed, his eyes gazing at the ceiling. Ranma grinned at his expression and brushed her lips against his chin.

"Think you're ready?" she asked.

"Ulp! You mean…"

"Whaddaya _think _I mean?"

"Sh-sh-sure!" he said.

No blood coming out the nose. _Victory! _Ranma kissed him on the lips, and sank her tongue down his throat, coming up only for air. Ranma gasped, and then started feeling nervous. This time was probably for real…. Now Ranma wondered if she was as ready as she thought she was a few seconds ago. _It's not fair to him if I have second thoughts when I've just propositioned him,_ Ranma thought. The air felt colder, and her heart beat so hard she could feel it beating.

Ranma took a steady breath in, then out, then pulled herself down to Ryoga's lower regions. _Omikami, I'm really gonna do this. With Ryoga._ Her limbs and hands shook as she unzipped his pants, and –

Ryoga suddenly sat upright as Ranma yelped and rolled backwards. Ryoga declared, "We need protection!"

Ranma blinked. "Oh yeah. Thanks fer reminding me." Ranma turned around and started digging through her pink backpack. _I'm turning into such a girl,_ she thought. _I'm even gonna lose my virginity as –_ "Hey, Ryoga," Ranma ventured, "Would you still be interested if I… _changed?_"

The response: "Um…. So you don't have any protection?"

"I don't mean that. I've got the stuff, I –" Looking at his face, Ranma knew Ryoga's preference, and that he was worried it wouldn't be tactful so say so directly. So she said, "I'll still make love with you whatever way you'd like. As long as it's_ me_, I –"

"Well, it's just… with the female version, it would be more_ traditional._"

_What the _fuck? "Sure, Ryo-chan," Ranma said, rolling her eyes. "We'll go with _tradition._" Ranma took out a bottle of pills, spilled a couple, and chomped them down. Ranma had never read the instructions, but she figured they worked like aspirin. Why not? They were over-the-counter, after all. If they were still going at it four to six hours later, she'd take them again.

(Notice to the uninformed: _**Birth control doesn't actually work like that! Please make sure you are properly informed and have read the labels before using birth control and engaging in sexual activity!**_ In other words, don't do what Ranma's doing.)

Ranma squirted some cold water from a plastic bottle to rinse down the pills, and then she turned back to her lover. "Ready, sexy?"

Ryoga extracted his legs from his jeans and said, "Am now."

And then they had sex. Awkward, teenage sex. Sex so beautiful Ryoga cried and Ranma exclaimed, "What! It's over already? I didn't finish!" That kind of sex.

What? You expected lemon?

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Ever since Ranma "died," Nabiki had started walking Akane to and from school. The first time Akane had answered, "Its okay – I can take care of myself." True enough, since she was, after all, an excellent martial artist, and Nerima was a safe neighborhood – at least, nobody was ever _mugged._ Yet the frequent incidents of collateral damage and martial arts challenges were something Akane could – or couldn't – avoid regardless of Nabiki's company. But Nabiki's concerns weren't for Akane's safety. She knew her sister was more attached to Ranma than Akane admitted to herself, and Nabiki could imagine how walking alone to and from school after having gone those same steps with Ranma for so long might feel for Akane. Nabiki couldn't walk on the fence for Akane, but she felt sure that _being there _might be enough to make Ranma's absence feel less intense.

Akane never objected to Nabiki walking with her – not after the first, merely polite objection – and though Akane never thanked Nabiki, she had the impression her sister felt better for her presence. Akane had become much quieter since Ranma had left them. Of course, Ranma had always brought out the noisy side in the youngest Tendo girl, but that was beside the point – Akane seemed to really love the boy, and Nabiki had always done what she could to get them together (in a sense stronger than their marriage contract) – with some emotional manipulation involved, and at a monetary profit for herself, of course. So what if Nabiki's favorite Western authors were Machiavelli and Ayn Rand? Did that mean she had no heart?

A bike scooted to a stop in front of the sisters.

Nabiki's heart jolted. "Shampoo…."

"Nihao, Nabiki," Shampoo said. She got off her bike and bowed. "I sorry. Please be friends?"

"It's fine," Nabiki said, bowing back. "I may have been a little harsh, earlier."

"I embarrass Nabiki."

"It's all right."

Shampoo smiled faintly. "Thank you, Nabiki." There wasn't anything to say for a moment. It wasn't the time to leave, either. The wind whispered a while, until Shampoo found words and some courage to go with them. "Would you like come to Ucchan's sometime? I stay there."

"Sure," Nabiki said, glancing at Akane. "Maybe... we could discuss some things. Later."

Shampoo's smile grew. "Hope see you."

Nabiki watched Shampoo pedaling, wondering what Shampoo must do to her hair to get it such a nice shade of lavender (or was that lilac?), and that she must've put a lot of care in her hair to keep it all looking so good.

And then Nabiki turned to her sister, who shrugged, smiled, and said, "I don't get her, either."

Yes, Akane was _that_ way. Nabiki was certain it would have been easier for everyone if she wasn't. Perhaps that should be corrected, someday.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

In a second-story townhouse there lived an old Chinese karate master with an interest in strange artifacts. The townhouse was a very nice townhouse decorated with Ming vases and Chinese fans and all the other sorts of things one might expect of an aficionado of his own home culture. This old karate master had only one student, his grandnephew, and this student he worked very hard. Sometimes the master forced upon his grandnephew his own household tasks – for the benefit of the grandnephew's training, of course.

The old master hefted a pail into the arms of his young apprentice. "Be careful with water. Is very special water from China, is cursed. Lock up in glass case, make sure no one touch, else bad thing happen."

"What bad thing?"

"What? You no trust Master?"

The student replied, "I trust my Master – it's just that, growing up in the U.S., I've developed American habits and attitudes, so now I have the impulse to question authority and feel ambiguous about my identity."

"Ah! Very good answer. Or very bad, but explain much. This water is water of Cursed Spring of Drowned Twins from Jusenkyo, the Training Ground of Cursed Springs. When one fall into water of Cursed Spring of Drowned Twins, then one become two."

"You mean… _twins?_"

"Yes," the master said, stroking his white mustache and his long, white chin-beard. "Is very straightforward curse, also very annoying to live with. So be very careful!"

"Yes, Master," the student said, bowing slightly, and then turned to place the pail in the glass case on the other side of the room. But just as he was approaching the case, he tripped, and the pail flew out the window. "Aiyaa!" they wailed.

Splashing and pail-rolling noises could be heard from the street. A man screamed, and then there was silence. Then there was an exclamation of "Woohoo!" And finally, two voices of striking similarity – one male and one female – spoke in unison: "Oh, _crap._"

The master and his grandnephew the apprentice looked out the window and then turned to look at each other. The master said, "If anyone ask... we know nothing of Cursed Spring."

"Yes, Master."


	7. Akane's Day of Revelations

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form. I also don't own the rights to _Gravitation _or _Battle Athletes: Victory._)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 7 – Akane's Day of Revelations

By this point, Ranma had been gone for months. Akane sighed, staring out at the empty yard as she ate her breakfast rice. The father of the family raised concerned eyebrows at his daughter's behavior and asked, "What's the matter?"

"I miss P-chan," Akane confessed. "I don't know where he could have gone to. Do you think he's lost?"

Soun nodded and turned his head back down to the newspaper. He readjusted his grip on the pages. "I'd bet."

"What do you mean?"

Soun began, "Akane," then he sighed and set the paper down. "Ryoga is P-chan. Your pet pig is actually that shy guy who visits you and hasn't got the nerve to tell you the truth about his alternate form and his feelings for you, because he's too embarrassed."

"W-w-wah? What are you talking about?"

"P-chan is no ordinary pig. Ryoga is one of the Jusenkyo cursed, and his alternate form is as your pet P-chan. Need I repeat it again?"

"That's just – that's…. How long have you known this?"

Soun replied, "For some time, now. He used the furo to change back to human form while I was watching. Must not have noticed me. I'd thought you would eventually find out, but sometimes, a person needs telling."

Akane blinked. "B-but… Ranma must've known, too. That would explain why he called Ryoga 'P-chan.'"

"Yes, it would, wouldn't it?"

Akane turned red. "But I let – I let P-chan _sleep_ with me! I - I… I _undressed_ in front of him!"

"... You what?"

"I thought he was just a pet!"

Soun thought for a moment, sighed, and and picked up the newspaper again. "Well, there isn't anything to be done about it, now."

Nabiki mumbled, "Also, it's obvious to everyone else that Ryoga thinks you're cute. Maybe cuz he's seen you naked, I dunno."

Another shock to Akane. "He _does_? It _is_?"

Nabiki sighed and shook her head. "Why must my sister be so dense?"

"Ryoga, you idiot. I thought you were _different._ Men are so stupid. Wait! That would mean –" _That would mean the person he tried to catch with the fishing rod of love was… was _me!

Congratulations, Lois, you've figured out who Superman is.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Akane sent punch after punch into Ryoga's torso – or rather the torso of the dummy she imagined was Ryoga – until she'd beaten most of the foam out of him. Then she took a swig of her bottled water, wiped her forehead of sweat, and sighed. Thoughts spun through her head. _I loved my P-chan. Why didn't Ryoga tell me? He was always nice to me._ She tossed a roundhouse at the dummy, making it topple over. _Maybe I don't have much reason to be angry. I suppose it was embarrassing for him. But it's embarrassing for me, too. He should've told me before anyone else found out. I would've understood. I wouldn't have held it against him, so long as he was open and honest with me, instead of wanting to hold onto his pride. I would've helped him keep his identity a secret, if it really meant that much to him._

At first Akane had a hard time telling herself that P-Chan and Ryoga were the same person… pig… whatever. The idea was too huge. She'd known Ranma was both male and female ever since they'd first met, and all the other Jusenkyo cursed were, well, not-so-nice to her, and she hadn't made an attachment to any of their alternate forms, either. But then Akane realized it made too much sense, and as her mind started making connections she'd never made before, she realized that the truth had been right in front of her – and that made her mad.

But now Akane was finding it hard to stay too mad, now that she'd released most of her negative energy. This was a betrayal of trust, and it stung, but she loved P-chan. And she'd always liked Ryoga, though not in the way he apparently did. The next time Akane met Ryoga, she would revenge herself. Then they could be friends again.

And then Akane thought, _He _liked_ me?_ _That's right, he tried to catch me with the Rod of Love._ Now she wasn't so certain about the "friends" thing. She would need another dummy to get over this one. _Why do boys have to be such idiots around women? Would he really do something like that to –?_

"Heh, he got what he _deserved._" _Wait a second, _Akane thought._ That assumes that Ranma and Ryoga are unhappy._ "Whatever." _They're just under the influence of a magic spell. It's not true love. There's never been a great love in the world that was caused by _magic. (Except Tristan and Isolde – but apparently Akane wasn't literate enough to know about the second most famous couple in Western literature.)

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

The bell chimed as Akane entered Ucchan's. The windows were all open and there weren't many customers at this time of day – this was the time when it was best to talk to Ukyo, of course – but the Japanese pizza place was still broiling. Summer break from school was so close she could almost taste it, but there were other things Akane wanted to taste, first – secrets, namely. And okonomiyaki.

Ukyo looked up from the grill and thrust out her chin. "What up?"

"Hey, Ukyo."

"What'll you have?"

"The usual."

"You order something different every time you come here."

"I have?" Akane turned her head sideways as she tried to remember. "Oh. Well, just give me whatever seems best."

Ukyo shrugged. "Fine." Ukyo started grilling the batter. "So you just come for the food, or you wanna talk?"

"Actually, I _did_ come to ask you something," Akane said as she sat down on a stool by the counter-grill area. "I was wondering if you knew what was going on with Shampoo and Nabiki."

Ukyo looked uncertain. "Well…."

"Do you?"

"I've got my suspicions. It's not something I've asked them about, but I think I have an idea."

Akane leaned forward. "Tell me!"

Ukyo licked her lips and looked upwards ponderously. She shrugged and said, "Alright, but don't let anyone know I said this."

Akane nodded. "Sure."

"I'm not typically the gossiping sort."

"Neither am I. So let's gossip."

"Okay," Ukyo said, and paused a few seconds to figure out how to phrase this. "I think Shampoo and Nabiki are going out."

"I know," Akane said. "But where? And why?"

"Um... I mean, 'going out' as in going on dates. Like girlfriend and… girlfriend."

Akane blinked. "What? You mean like – like _homosexuals_? Nabiki wouldn't do _that_. I don't _think_ she would. Probably not. She likes men, of course she wouldn't. She calls Kuno-sempai 'Kuno-chan' all the time."

"So?"

"So?"

"Maybe she likes girls, too."

Akane shook her head in disbelief. "Why would a girl go out with another girl when she can go out with guys?"

"Because she's attracted to other girls, _duh_." Ukyo slapped her forehead. "It's the same reason straight girls go out with guys – they're _attracted_ to them."

"But – but that's just not right!"

"Why isn't it?"

"This is weird," Akane said. "Since when were _you _all for acceptance of… of _gayness?_"

"Well, it all happened the other night..."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

The sun was setting, and Ukyo had just finished closing up when the door chimed and Ukyo's live-in waitress hollered, "Shampoo return from video store!"

"What did you bring?" Ukyo asked.

"One of greatest anime ever: _Gravitation_!"

"Really? What's it about?"

"Ukyo see! Has very kawaii bisshounen!"

"Interesting..."

They took the DVDs to the back room where the TV was. Shampoo inserted the first DVD while Ukyo got comfortable in one of the chairs. Then Shampoo produced from sub-space fifty feet of silk rope and strapped down Ukyo.

"What're you doing?" Ukyo demanded.

"Shh! Stay right here," Shampoo said.

"You've done a good job making sure of _that_."

"I bring popcorn!" Shampoo said, switching on the TV. "You watch start of show. Shampoo already see."

Ukyo grunted. "Whatever." And then Ukyo watched _Gravitation_...

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Really?" Akane raised an eyebrow skeptically. "And what about that show made you change your mind?"

Ukyo sighed. "Everything..."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

In the early morning, in the back of Ucchan's they finally finished watching the DVDs.

"That was so _beautiful!"_ Ukyo squealed, squirming in her silken bonds. "I've come to realize the evil of my gay-hating ways. I've been converted! _Alleluia!_"

"That good," Shampoo said. "You want see more?"

"Please! _Please!_"

"Hmm," Shampoo stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I wonder if you is ready..."

"I'm ready for anything. I'm too hot and bothered to sleep right now!"

"Okay," Shampoo said. "Video store is closed now, so I get something from personal collection: _Battle Athletes: Victory!_"

"Is this more hot guys hot for each other?"

"Umm... you see."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"So, yeah... I learned a lot that night," Ukyo said. "Besides, what's wrong if Shampoo and Nabiki love each other, really?"

"Because… It's not proper. And because dad wants one of us to inherit the dojo and carry on our martial arts tradition."

Ukyo perked up an eyebrow. "You really figure your dad would trust the dojo to _Nabiki?_ And aren't _you_ the one of your three sisters with the best skills? Aren't you the least likely to _sell_ the dojo for a quick profit? I doubt Nabiki would be the sort to make babies with anyone, regardless of who she picked for a soul-mate…. She has a soul, right?"

"Hey! That's my sister!"

"I'm just kidding," Ukyo said. Ukyo was sort of kidding, anyway. "But she's certainly earned her reputation for being an avaricious, manipulative… I can't really match those words with a pleasant-sounding noun, you know?"

Akane sighed. "I'll admit that's true, but she isn't all bad. Most people never get to see her better side."

Ukyo shrugged and served Akane her okonomiyaki. Akane started eating, and there was a pause in the conversation for a while. There wasn't much more to say until Akane decided to tell what had been troubling her mind the most as of late. She said, "My dad told me that Ryoga and P-chan are the same person… pig, or whatever. Ryoga is one of the Jusenkyo cursed, and he turns into a –"

"A _pig_? Really? You mean your cute little pet is Ryoga?" Ukyo laughed. "That's so cool! He must've been so embarrassed he couldn't tell anyone."

"I didn't think it was cool."

"Why not?"

"Because he didn't tell _me._ I was his owner. I mean, I took care of him when he was a pig."

"That's true." Ukyo said, nodding.

"Also, he..." _Well, I'd better not tell her about _that._ It would be too tempting to tell her the truth about Ranma._ "I'm going to pay Ryoga back for what he did."

Ukyo had an odd smile. "Are you gonna give P-chan a hot bath?"

"Why are you grinning like that?"

"I'm thinkin' of Ryoga _naked._" Ukyo lifted her eyebrows twice.

"Why should I want to see him naked?"

"Well, if I were him… I mean, he was your pet, and you probably undressed in front of him without thinking about it."

"Yeah, and it really pisses me –"

"So he owes it to you that you get a good look at him," Ukyo said, bobbing her head and leering in a way that was frightening Akane.

Akane shook her head. "That wouldn't be – _No._"

"Oh, c'mon, Akane," Ukyo said. "Ranma's gone, now…. He's gone and now we should find new people to chase after. Ryoga would be a great choice. He likes you a lot."

"You mean you could tell?"

"Of course I could!" Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Everybody knows Ryoga has the hots for Akane. Well, at least I do, which I assume means most other people must know, because I'm usually the last to know anything. Anyway, you two would make _such_ a cute couple."

Akane shook her head and bit into her okonomiyaki.

Ukyo sighed, and then served another customer his food. Akane said, "No way can I trust Ryoga, now, even if he's cute and has made a show of being nice. He'll have to _earn_ my trust." And she thought to herself, _And I don't think he'd want to give Ranma up for me. I hate men, anyhow. I don't need him._ For the next few moments they talked about stuff that has nothing to do with the plot, and when Akane finished her meal she left Ucchan's.

Akane walked home, and didn't notice anything unusual. She went inside the house and walked into the living room where the TV was on. Akane saw Shampoo and Nabiki sitting on the floor, huddled close together – arms around each other! – and crying a good cry together. Maybe it was just a regular girls-having-an-emotional-catharsis-together thing, not a lesbians-having-an-emotional-catharsis-together thing. _Hopefully._ Shampoo and Nabiki turned to look up at Akane.

"Hello," they said.

"Hello," she said.

Silence.

_Awkward._ Akane wasn't going to ask them if they were dating. They would probably have given an honest answer, and if they were – and they might have been – Akane didn't want to know. So Akane went into the yard to practice punching Ryoga.

She trained for about an hour until she felt thoroughly exercised and stress-relieved. Wiping sweat from her forehead with a white towel, Akane thought she ought to take a bath and relax for a while. Tossing the towel over her shoulder, she re-entered the house. Shampoo and Nabiki weren't in sight anymore. Akane walked down the hall towards the furo. The doorbell rang.

_Who's this going to be?_

The doorbell rang again, and Akane decided she might as well answer it, sweaty as she was, because no one else was volunteering. Where dad was, she didn't know, but Kasumi was in the kitchen and had a special kind of deafness that prevented her from hearing things over extended distances (not really brought up in the original series, or any of the errata, or really, anywhere at all except in this fanfic). And Nabiki was plain lazy, so Akane knew she was the only one who was going to answer it. So Akane opened the door.

And there he stood.

"Ranma?"


	8. Ranma Returns

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form. Also, I want to play in some kind of D20 campaign as a character with Exotic Weapon Proficiency for War-Spatula. That would be awesome.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 8 – Ranma Returns

"Ranma –"

"Hi, Akane," the dark-haired man said. "May I come in?"

"Of course." Akane stepped backward, feeling dazed. Ranma entered the house. "Wait," Akane said. "What are you doing here? You do realize what will happen if you get caught here –"

"I know. I'm not running anymore."

"At least come up to my room where we can talk about this before everyone else in Nerima finds out and all hell breaks loose."

Ranma nodded and shrugged. "Sure."

They stepped softly up the stairs to Akane's room, glad to see no one in sight, but once they were both safe inside, Akane locked the door behind her.

"So," Akane began, turning to Ranma and leaning against the door, "Where's Ryoga?"

"Who knows? Probably with my other half."

"Your other half?"

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

In a hot Southern city, the tiles on the street baked and the sunlight from cars glared. And Ryoga, wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, gazed at the glorious sight of two Ranmas, one of each gender, staring at each other, looking as incredulous as he. They were also soaking wet with the water from the Cursed Spring of Drowned Twins, water just splashed on a single Ranma only a few seconds ago. It was indeed a lovely sight, for everyone knows how water affects clothing worn by good-looking bodies, regardless of whether they are male or female.

"Yay!" Ryoga cheered.

Then the twins' eyes unlocked, and they turned to look at Ryoga.

"You must choose between us," the girl-Ranma said. "It wouldn't be right to make us share you."

"But...," The boy-Ranma realized that there was only one outcome to this. He knew which aspect Ryoga liked best, and there was simply no way to compromise in this situation – both Ranmas knew that sharing Ryoga would be impossible to do peacefully.

Ryoga thought about the decision for a total of six seconds. Two Ranmas – one with boobs, one without boobs. Boobless-Ranma versus Buxom-Ranma. Hmm….

"I'll take the girl!" Ryoga declared.

"Yay!" the girl-Ranma cried, leaping into his arms. Boy-Ranma stood and watched them embrace, aching in his knowledge that he would never feel that again.

"Ryoga…. I - I can't…."

Ryoga turned to boy-Ranma, and paled. He let go of girl-Ranma and approached boy-Ranma. "I'm sorry, please don't –"

Girl-Ranma smashed Ryoga's head. "What're you doing? You chose _me_, remember?"

"I'm sorry, Ran…. Oh man, this isn't as much fun as I was hoping it was going to be. Are you sure you can't _both_ be mine?"

"No, go ahead," boy-Ranma said. "Maybe some day" – Ranma sniffled – "I can learn to love someone else."

Ryoga paused before responding. "Do you really think so?" He seemed to feel ambiguous about the idea.

"Heh," Ranma shrugged. "It's just a spell, after all. _Maybe_ it can be reversed. It doesn't feel that way, but maybe…."

"I see," Ryoga said, nodding.

"But… before I go, could you give me one last kiss?"

"Of course," Ryoga said. And he did. With lots of tongue.

And then the red-haired girl walked up beside boy-Ranma and said, "So long. I may get Hibiki, but if it's any consolation to you, I'm stuck as a girl forever." _Unless I find a cursed spring, _girl-Ranma thought._ But then I'm only half-cured._ "Lucky bastard."

"Yeah, heh," boy-Ranma said, and then he thought, _She's still got Ryo-chan. Lucky bitch._

Girl-Ranma continued, "You should go to my family. Show them you're not dead. Show mom you're a man."

_That would be just perfect for you, wouldn't it?_ Boy-Ranma thought._ I'm the one who has to go through the ordeal of telling my family I'm not dead; my mom will probably call me a coward and force me to commit seppuku. If I don't have a good alibi… but if she doesn't, then –_"And then what? Marry Akane?" _Then you'd have another woman to help you keep me from Ryo-chan. That would all be perfect for you, wouldn't it? I can't believe you could've concocted this whole plan, on the spot, but –_

"If that's what seems right," girl-Ranma said, shrugging. She thought, _I don't care what he does, as long as I don't have to look at him. Not that I don't look smashing, but it's freaking weird to be – damn, do I really have a zit there? I hope it's not the same on _my_ body._ She rubbed at the corresponding spot on her face.

Boy-Ranma nodded. "Alright, _Ranko_."

"Ranko?" Girl-Ranma cocked her head to the side. "Oh!" The nickname Ranma used while pretending to be full-girl whenever his mom visited. "Only if I meet mom again. Unless _you_ like the name, Ryo-chan?" Ryoga shrugged. _Such a guy response._ Girl-Ranma turned to Boy-Ranma again. "Anyhow, good luck."

"Whatever," Boy-Ranma said. And then… well, he had this sudden impulse, a curiosity he might as well indulge in before the opportunity was gone, perhaps forever. Boy-Ranma put his arms on Girl-Ranma's shoulders and brought her close – and kissed her. With lots of tongue. Girl-Ranma's eyes became wide at first, but then she eased into it, and then they both enjoyed an egotistical and amoral moment of perverse erotic pleasure.

Ryoga blinked. "Woah…."

The Ranmas thought,_ Sooo naughty…._

Breaking the kiss, Boy-Ranma said, "Oh yeah. I'm good."

Then Ranma turned and left his female half and Ryoga forever. Or until they met again in the future. Whatever.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Flash-forward to Akane's room...

"My female half divorced my male half," Ranma explained to Akane. "We'd gotten splashed with water from the Spring of Drowned Twins in Jusenkyo, and now I'm two people with one sex instead of one person with two alternating sexes."

"I see. And you challenged your other half to a duel and you lost."

"Um… no, Ryoga just picked my girl side because… well, he did. I never thought to challenge her to a duel. Maybe I should have; I would've had better odds." Or at least that's what Boy-Ranma liked to think.

"Okay. So do you still have feelings for Ryoga?"

Ranma nodded. Akane sighed. They stood silently for a while, and then Akane walked over to the dresser and opened a shelf, taking out the old Fishing Rod o' Love.

"You still have it!"

"I kept it, I don't know why. I guess I just couldn't leave it alone and risk it falling into the wrong hands."

"Good thinking, Akane. You've got a good brain for an un-cute tomboy."

"Ranma!"

"You know I'm only kidding. For old times' sake."

She glared at him. "It's not bringing back fond memories, if that's what you're trying to accomplish."

"Sorry." Ranma picked up the plunger-hook-thingie of the Fishing Rod of Love and placed it on the red mark on his chest, where the magical device had once hooked him before and started this whole escapade. "It's amazing so much hurt could be caused by something as simple as this." He removed the plunger-hook-thingy and…

Akane gasped. "The mark came off!"

"Oh," Ranma said. "Wow. Hey, I'm feeling better already!"

"You mean you don't love Ryoga?"

"Well… Sorta. Yeah. Um… ahem, of course not. I don't like men." He gazed at the wall for a few seconds, _– Ryoga's not so hot, is he? –_ Ranma grinned, _– am I kidding? The way he played with my –_ Ranma shook his head. "Yeah, I don't think I'll be the same after all that's happened, but I'm feeling… not so heartbroken. Actually, I'm wondering about whether or not I should go through with what I was planning."

"What you were planning?"

"I was going to marry you and tell my mother everything – everything she needed to know – and then we'd live happily ever after." Actually, until a few seconds ago, he had been planning to execute an elaborate scheme whereby he could lure the female Ranma and Ryoga to Nerima, kill his double, and have Ryoga all to himself. However, Ranma had a sudden change of heart, and decided he would actually do the responsible thing for once. Besides, he had tried thinking up a plan for the whole plane trip from the U.S., and he simply could not figure out how to outsmart himself. Also, as the seconds ticked away, he was becoming less and less interested in retrieving Ryoga and more and more interested in getting in Akane's pants.

Akane was speechless for a moment. "Really? Wow. Wait a minute – you think you can just run back here and expect everything to be the same again?"

"Actually, no," he said. "But I _do _believe we can still salvage a 'happy ever after' ending, involving me not killing myself. And I'm serious, I'm willing to marry you." _And get in bed with you, and teach you all the secrets I learned with Ryoga. Rrr!_ "I know a woman's body like only a woman can –" _Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that out loud… yet._

"Um… yeah." Akane's face turned red. "And so you say you don't have your female form anymore?"

"No. Do you miss it?"

"Why should I miss it? What kind of pervert do you think I am?"

"I dunno. I guess my idea of perversion is a bit different than yours."

"Go figure. You were dating another guy for a while. Wait a minute – how far did you go with him?"

"Why should you care? … All the way. Oh yeah! But why should you care?"

"Eew! … Did you do it in male form?"

"No."

"Oh good," Akane said, exhaling in relief. "Then that's not so bad."

"I see you're a _traditional_ kind of girl. How has the neighborhood been since I left?"

"Everything's changed," Akane said.

"Oh my kami! _Really?_ Does cheese still taste the same?" Ranma asked. "Is it no longer safe to drink water? Have all the dogs in town mysteriously disappeared, while strange lights are seen in the sky?"

"Um... nooo..."

"Do communist ninjas rule Nerima with an iron fist, forcing us to stand in line for toilet paper and wait twenty years to get a car? Are they being resisted by bands of teenage mutants who, because of their genetic deviations, are forced to hide their superhero identities and try day by day to get by in a world full of normals, like us? Do they have laser canons?"

"No. And to say that people like _us_ are 'normal' is -"

"Have evil alien overlords conquered Japan and now everyone is required to have special cybernetics implanted into their brains? Are the aliens forcing the most healthy and intelligent of us to mate? Have they confiscated all the sugar?"

Akane rolled her eyes. "_No_, actually -"

Ranma said, "At least most of the buildings in the neighberhood are still standing from when I was here last. As I remember, there was always another building demolished around here at least once a week -"

Akane sighed. "Well, okay, so not _everything _has changed, but still, things have changed…."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Ukyo…."

The pizza-girl fumbled and dropped her spatula. She stared, wide-eyed. _It can't be… _"Ranma?"

The dark-haired and male martial artist stood in the doorway, grinning, striking a pose for the occasion. "Yes, it is I." Then Ranma realized that was a very Kuno thing for him to do, and he stopped posing immediately. Ranma wasn't a poser - he was the real deal. (Or at least he liked to think so.)

"It c-can't be. You're dead!"

Ranma shrugged and said, "Ah, that's never a big deal for someone like me."

"You braggart. It _is_ you!" Ukyo jumped over the hot grill-and-counter, spun in the air while doing so, and when her feet hit the floor she sped across the restaurant to give him a bear hug. "I can't believe it's you!"

"Yeah, well – hey, is that a tear in your eye?"

"Huh?" Ukyo wiped her face, and reflexively deepened her voice and straightened up. "Uh no, it's…" Then her pitch heightened again. "Oh, right, I'm a girl now…."

Ranma said, "Yeah, I know what that's like."

A thought occurred to Ukyo: _He's been alive all this time and didn't tell me!_ She whipped out her war-spatula and thwocked Ranma over the head with it. "You bastard!" **Thwock!** "You faked your death, didn't you?" **Thwock!** "You got us all worried and depressed because you had to run away from something, didn't you?" **Thwock!** "And what, you couldn't tell your own fiancée?"

Ranma gripped the spatula handle, halting the final blow. "Hold on, Ukyo, I'll explain everything."

"You'd better! I went nights crying into my pillow over you."

"I'm sorry. I had to," he said. "Please forgive me." He bowed as low as he could while still holding onto Ukyo's war-spatula. The pizza-girl growled and pulled her weapon out of his grasp, but she returned it to its carrying position on her back.

Ranma stood up and said, "You have to understand, shortly before I left, I hadn't been the Ranma you'd known. I was… obsessed."

**Thwock! **Ukyo was quick to draw her war-spatula. "You mean you fell in love with someone else and ran off with her, didn't you?"

"Ow! No – yes. But I was under a spell."

"I _see_. So who _was_ this harlot you fell in love with?"

"… Ryoga."

Ukyo blinked. "'A spell,' you said?"

"Yeah. What else _could_ it have been? It's not like I'm _usually_ that irresponsible."

"Interesting," Ukyo said, rubbing her chin. A dirty grin grew on her face. "So did you two… _do_ anything together?"

"Umm… That depends upon what you mean."

"_You_ know what I mean." Ukyo bobbed her head as she spoke, like some sort of horny, leering parrot. "C'mon! Was it all the sort of stuff you read about in yaoi?"

Ranma gave Ukyo the tired look of one who is much too jaded to find sex an interesting topic of discussion. "No."

"Bummer."

"I mean, we probably would've done it like that eventually, but… why am I telling you this?"

"Ahaha! That's awesome! No, actually, it's not. Now I'm jealous. But Ryoga _is_ kinda hot, and you've got such a cute girl form…. Wow. Ooh, now I'm even more jealous. That's no fair! _I_ never got to do it with you. I'm your _first_ fiancée; I should've gotten dibs on your virginity. That's not fair!"

"_Everybody_ wants first dibs on me. Besides, the first marriage contract was with the Tendo family, not with you."

"But they hadn't picked which daughter yet."

"Still means that if, theoretically, I were to do it with my first fiancée first, then I would have to do it with one of the Tendos, and with you second. Then Shampoo. Or we could all go at once –"

"Get your mind out of the gutter." Ukyo rolled her eyes. "_Men!_"

"But that's all pointless talk, because I'm over Ryoga now, and I'm back in town to take responsibility for everything I'd left behind."

Ukyo perked up. "Really?" _He's going to marry me!_

"Ukyo," Ranma said, "I'm going to marry Akane."

The world turned dark, and Ukyo felt her soul whipping in a cold breeze, like a shirt on the clothesline. The dead had come back to tell her she wasn't really the cute fiancée after all.

**Thwock!**


	9. Everything Falls into Place

(This is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 9 – Everything Falls into Place

Ranma bowed low before the Tendos – and his parents. Soun's face was dark. Nodoka looked amazed. Genma's teeth chattered in fear.

Ranma finished his explanation: "So you see, I've spent all this time looking for a way to reverse the curse. I faked my death so that at least my father wouldn't have to suffer from my failure, and if I never found a cure, then I would never leave my mother with the memory of her son's disgrace, and of the burden of helping her son to ritual suicide."

Nodoka leaned forward: "But Ranma –"

"I would rather _die trying_ than give up and kill myself!"

This all seemed quite plausible, though the Tendos knew Ranma better than his own mother did, and had their own suspicions. Nonetheless, they said nothing. Nodoka asked, "What about the kitten?"

"Whuh?"

"The kitten you saved?" Nodoka asked. "And the water tower? The story Akane told us –"

"Ah, yes!" Ranma said, nodding. "I'd decided all this after I'd saved the kitten. I almost died, and it was then that I realized that there was the possibility I might die as a girl, and I just couldn't postpone ridding myself of the curse any longer – for the sake of the Saotome family honor."

Akane's face was red. Nabiki raised an eyebrow. Kasumi was smiling, glad to see Ranma was alive and well again.

Nodoka nodded. "This all seems understandable."

Genma and Ranma sighed with relief. Soun nodded and said, "This means, of course, that it's the perfect time for you to marry Akane."

Ranma gulped. Akane stood up and yelled, "I protest! He's just come back after – _no!_"

"She's right," Ranma said. "I'm fully prepared to marry Akane now, but –"

Akane stared at him and blinked. "You _are?_"

"Absolutely." Ranma nodded. "I'm not going to run from my responsibilities." _Not anymore._ "But from the looks of things, Akane may need time to get readjusted to the fact that I've been alive all this while."

"R-right," Akane said.

Nodoka nodded. "That seems appropriate."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"No –" Akane said, kicking at the poor dummy. "I don't miss it. I _wouldn't._"

"Hey, Akane!" Ranma spoke from behind her, forgetting it wasn't wise to butt in on Akane's practice sessions, especially when she looked angry.

"Ranma!" Akane shouted and turned on him, not sounding pleased.

Suddenly he remembered. "Sorry... Maybe I'd better go now."

Akane grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him close, and kissed him. Ranma blinked in surprise and let her do as she wished. Akane let go and backed away.

Ranma decided to keep up the good feelings. "That was pretty… nice."

Akane clenched her fists. She was frowning.

_Uh oh, _Ranma thought._ This is gonna be bad._

"I'm sorry, Ranma! I can't do this anymore…."

"Do what anymore? I think that's the first time you've ever –"

"I can't be your wife! I'm – I just _can't!_"

"Um… why not?"

She ran away without answering. Ranma shook his head. "Women – you'd think after years of living as one, I'd have figured something out about them."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

About a week later, a duck walked into Ucchan's, and the owner-operator dumped a bucket of warm water on him. The duck turned into a naked man and said, "Thanks."

"Get your clothes on before you scare away my customers," Ukyo said.

Mousse waddled out, and in walked Akane, keeping her distance from the naked man, covering her eyes. She walked a few paces into the establishment and asked, "Is everyone dressed?"

"Yes."

Akane uncovered her eyes. "Whew! Hello, Ukyo! That wasn't cool."

"What would you like?"

"Um… whatever it was I had last time. That way, I can call it 'the usual' next time I come here."

"Uh-huh," Ukyo responded, setting to work. Akane sat down. The Tendo looked a little stressed today. The Kuonji – that is, Ukyo – wondered what the deal was. Ukyo thought, _There's still a chance that, however committed Ranma may have become, they are probably still fighting like gamers over the last available chic at the convention. Man, that was a random simile._ (Maybe even ironic.) Ukyo waited to see if Akane wanted to talk.

Akane didn't make her wait long. "How are things going?"

"A little _dumped,_" was the reply. Akane blinked. Ukyo bit her lip and thought, _Yeah, that didn't sound bitter at all. _She didn't feel like apologizing for the comment, though.

Akane breathed and said, "I'm not marrying Ranma, if that's upsetting you."

"Like it's not… what?"

"I'm _not_ marrying Ranma. Kasumi is. Well… maybe."

"Oh. So Ranma's into older women, is he?"

"Actually, no… well… yeah."

_Unambiguous response, _Ukyo thought. "So how are _you_ taking this?"

"I'm fine," Akane said, sounding honest enough. "I mean, I think we're good as friends but not as a couple. Well, maybe not even good friends – but I suppose we're close in a way, but, well –"

"So things are complicated in the Tendo house," Ukyo said.

"Exactly."

Ukyo handed Akane her order. Mousse scuttled back in the door, fully clothed, announcing, "I thought I ought to repay your kindness with some business."

"I'm glad," Ukyo replied. "Or you _could_ just give me money without asking for a meal."

"Or not," Mousse retorted as he adjusted his glasses.

Ukyo grinned and gave him an order of some kind of okonomiyaki that he asked for. Mousse ate, like you'd expect someone who was just given good food to do – and Ukyo's cooking _was_ good. So good, in fact, that he got an idea.

Mousse asked the girls, "Did either of you know that Shampoo is in love with Nabiki?"

Ukyo shrugged. "I guess I did. She's been acting really friendly with Nabiki. I knew that much."

Akane asked, "How is it _you _came to know this?"

Mousse regaled them, "I saw Nabiki walking down a street of the business district, arm-in-arm with Shampoo, whispering naughty things in her ear. Yet I did not realize that this is what they were doing. The moment I saw them I flung out my arms and rushed to embrace my beauteous Shampoo. However, her prowess never ceases to amaze me - she countered me with a high kick to the face. A _marvelous _woman!"

"Indeed," Ukyo said, eyebrow raised in an expression somewhat amused and somewhat confused.

"They were window-shopping, never actually buying anything themselves, because Shampoo can't afford anything on her own, and Nabiki simply has no end to her means of acquisition. Indeed, Nabiki manipulated fifty thousand yen out of me before Shampoo finally explained that they were together. I asked her why, and Shampoo said that she loved Nabiki. And I inquired again, 'why?' And she replied:

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Flashback to an irritated, impatient Shampoo:

"Because Nabiki is most wonderful person in world, unlike lousy Mousse! Also, Nabiki smell nice, and make Shampoo laugh. Also she hot."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"I see," Ukyo said.

"Does it pain you?" Akane asked.

Mousse clenched an uplifted fist and bellowed, "That's to be expected, isn't it?" He calmed. "I mean… how is your sister taking it?"

"I wouldn't know _how_, but she takes it a lot," Akane said, grinning.

"Nani?!"

"The Tendo house is getting noisy at night," Akane said, and stuck out her tongue.

Ukyo's spatula slipped and clattered on the grill. _Did I hear that right?_ Ukyo thought._ Did Akane just make a dirty joke about her sister?!_

He said, "That's vulgar."

"Wanna know what else?" Akane added, "Ranma faked his death, and he's back in town."

"Are you serious?" Mousse inquired. "And Shampoo isn't after him? She can't return to the Amazons without him as a husband."

"She can't go back without killing me, either. But she hasn't tried for quite a while, now. Besides, she's got her hands full with Nabiki."

"And her mouth," Ukyo chimed in. "Ha ha!"

"Then she wasn't lying," Mousse said. He sighed.

Akane felt sudden shame and guilt. "Sorry, Mousse," she said. "I'm sure you'll find someone. Shampoo was just an unlucky pick for you, I think."

Ukyo, while not apologizing, did seem less amused, and the next thing she said was a change in the subject. "Where have you been all this time?"

"Hmm? Oh! I was in China. I thought Shampoo had returned there. Sadly, I did not discover this until her great grandmother told me."

A certain waitress with hair of bluish hue suddenly appeared to say: "Probably making love to a shoe think was Shampoo."

"No! It was a streetlamp. And I wondered why you never spoke to me. At least the lamp never kicked me."

"Talk to the foot, Mousse; the face no want to hear it!" And as Shampoo said this she lifted her foot to within an inch of his glasses while using both her hands to carefully serve a customer their okonomiyaki.

When Shampoo's foot dropped, Mousse hung his head in shame as he sighed again. "I suppose it's time I grew up," he said. "A childhood dream-girl; how could I be serious?"

"I no know. You give up now?"

"I shall," he said, lifting his gaze. "And I shall never love another woman again." Mousse, the master of hidden weapons and duck-to-human-and-back transformations, walked out of Ucchan's, downcast.

Ukyo watched him leave, and then turned to Akane and asked, "Did you really say all that about your sister and Shampoo?"

Akane blushed. "Well… it's true…." Akane looked in Shampoo's direction - she was preoccupied with customers, no longer listening to them.

"You seem a little more comfortable with their choice in lifestyle," Ukyo said.

Akane shrugged. Akane hadn't really been comfortable with anything since the day Ranma had come back - her own feelings, especially.

Ukyo leaned forward. "You know… there's not really all that much difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality. A lot of people go both ways, you know."

"I suppose."

"I mean… yeah."

"Yeah."


	10. Confessions

(As usual, this is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form. Also, sporks are probably the funniest of all kitchen utensils, except maybe spatulas, although "spork" is probably funnier-sounding.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 10 – Confessions

"Father," Nabiki said, drawing Shampoo to her side. "I have something to tell you."

Soun smiled up at his darling little girl. "What is it, Nabiki-chan?"

Nabiki and Shampoo looked into each other's eyes, then nodded, grasped each other by the hand, then looked down at Soun. Nabiki said, "I'm in love with Shampoo."

"Buy some more, if you like it. I know you have plenty of extra money stocked up."

Nabiki blinked. "Um… no, that's not what I mean. I don't mean the shampoo that you put in your hair, I mean –" Nabiki moved behind Shampoo, snuggled her cheek against the Amazon's cheek, put her arms around her lover, and grabbed her breasts. Shampoo squeaked in a most satisfying way. Nabiki said, "What I _mean_ is, I love _this_ Shampoo."

The Shampoo giggled. "Nabiki getting friendly!"

Soun had to set down his teacup for this. "You… _what_?"

Nabiki let go of Shampoo, kneeled down in front of Soun, hands clasped, and begged him, "Please daddy; don't be angry at me. Shampoo and I love each other. But it's not like I'm abandoning any marriage contracts. You were always expecting to give Ranma to one of my other sisters. But I know you've always wanted us to be happy, and Shampoo makes me happy."

Soun sighed and said, "I see. I suppose you won't be having any grandchildren, then?"

"Well… maybe adopted grandchildren, in twenty or thirty years, if I go insane."

Soun laughed a soft, kind laugh, and did not appear surprised. "I never expected you'd want to carry on the dojo. But so long as one of my daughters is continuing the family legacy, I certainly can't say my children have abandoned me, can I? And what sort of father would I be if I didn't let my children be as they were and seek the love of the people they cared for? Go on; do as thou wilt."

"_Really_, daddy?"

"You even have my blessing to get married, if they ever make that legal."

"Oh, thank you!" Nabiki glomped her father, and Shampoo jumped for joy, shouting, "I so happy!"

Nabiki and Shampoo walked out as Akane walked into the room.

Akane blinked. "Um… sis? What are you –"

Nabiki grinned and winked at her. "Your turn."

Akane froze as her sister scampered away quick as possible to make out with her lover, away from whatever Nabiki anticipated was going to happen between Akane and her father.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Father," Akane said, sighing.

Soun smiled up at his darling little girl. "What is it, Akane-chan?"

"I'm…"

Soun's eyes narrowed. Akane swallowed. Soun set down his tea - again.

"Well, let me put it this way." Akane cleared her throat. "I know that everyone's been expecting _me_ to be the one to marry Ranma, but I don't think I'm qualified. I realize that Nabiki has probably just told you… well, what did she just tell you?"

"I suspect you know that she and Shampoo are in love?"

Akane nodded. "Yes, that's exactly what I was getting to. Obviously Nabiki isn't a good match for Ranma. But I don't think I'm any better. Worse, in fact. I think Kasumi should be with Ranma."

"Why?" Soun asked. "Men usually prefer younger women, and Kasumi has no patience for younger men. You're also much more skilled in martial arts than Kasumi, so I'd say you're the ideal of all my daughters to inherit the dojo."

"I'd certainly love to continue to practice and teach martial arts, but… well, I think I might be less qualified to do… _certain things_ for our family. Even less qualified than Nabiki, even though it's not apparent right now."

"Speak plainly, girl!"

"I… I'm a…."

"You're a what? You're young, fertile, and the way you fight with Ranma everyone thinks you two are in love."

"I'm not in love with him, but –"

"Give love time to grow," Soun said. "When you get in bed with him, your feelings will be clearer." _Yeah, right, _he thought. "Maybe you should do that." _Speed the marriage along._

"N-n-no! No, _never_! Not the way he is now. I mean, before he'd left us, I would've thought about it… well, actually I wouldn't be having this conversation before he'd left, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to be so forward like that, but… oh, kami –"

"Don't take the gods' names in vain, child."

"Well, it's just that lately, I've been having strange new feelings, feelings I've never had before, and now I think that maybe I might possibly be kinda sorta… a little bit gay now?" Akane watched for her father's reaction. "Okay?" Nothing yet. "You've got two daughters who prefer other women to men."

"Please, Akane," Soun shook his head. "This is a silly and obvious tactic –"

"It's not a tactic. Just… Please give Ranma to Kasumi? She doesn't have Dr. Tofu anymore. At least make the offer to her a second time. We all know she's straight, so you don't have to worry about her coming out to you."

"Do you really want me to do this, Akane? I'm sure you'll regret it, later."

"I won't. I promise."

"Very well," Soun sighed. "I shall offer Ranma to Kasumi. However, if she refuses, then you will still marry Ranma as it is now. Understood?"

Akane swallowed. She should have talked this over with Kasumi, first.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Kasumi gripped Ranma's arm and pulled him into the kitchen. "Ranma," Kasumi said, "I'm willing to have you for a husband, but first, you must accept me."

"So… wait a minute," Ranma said. "What about Akane?"

"She's a lesbian."

"Oh. No wonder she liked me better when she thought I was just a girl."

"And Nabiki is with Shampoo."

"I know." Ranma nodded. "So you're okay with me being younger than you?"

"I know you," Kasumi said. "I don't think you're all that boring. Mostly not boring. Still a little immature, perhaps, but you seem to have grown somewhat since you left us."

_Grown in my pants, _Ranma thought, suppressing a raunchy smile. "Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit more mature," he said. "But what about Dr. Tofu?"

"He… wasn't comfortable with me," she replied. "He couldn't be… not after he found out about my… _tastes._"

"Your _tastes?_"

Kasumi picked up a spork from off the counter. "I'm going to tell you a secret," she said. "And you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Sure, Kasumi," Ranma said. "I respect you; I wouldn't want to hurt a nice girl like you."

"Okay," Kasumi said. "This will sound weird, but – well, let me put it this way. I'll do anything you like, in bed – I probably wouldn't even mind if you wanted to do it in girl-form, if you still had that form, though I prefer men – but that's not the point. I'm sorry; I'm dodging the issue. You see..." Kasumi waved the spork nervously. "I like – I can't get off unless… I'm touching a kitchen utensil."

Ranma's eyes bulged. "You're not telling me – the stuff we eat off of –"

"No, _no!_ I don't use the same equipment!" Kasumi waved the spork wildly. "Don't worry; I'm too sanitary for _that!_ I keep the ones I use for _that_ in my room."

"Oh. I see."

"I realized this, because I always used to masturbate with… utensils… and then when I did it with Tofu, I just couldn't… you know... until I asked him to spank me with a spatula. And then I wanted to bring egg-beaters to bed, and then a meat thermometer, and then a basting syringe, and every time we did it, I would bring something new to bed, until he said he felt weird about my requests, and said I should see a psychiatrist."

When Kasumi stopped, Ranma hesitated before asking, "And did you?"

"Oh, Ranma," Kasumi's voice croaked. Ranma felt the world turn sideways as he saw Kasumi's face turn more emotional than he'd ever seen it before – and more hurt than he'd ever wanted to see such a pleasant and giving woman look. "I did, but it's not like I'm hurting anybody. There's nothing significantly more unhealthy about using kitchen utensils as sex toys than any other toy people typically use. We all have our secrets and the little odd things about us, and… well, this is mine. I'm sorry, but –"

"No, you don't have to say you're sorry," Ranma said. "This is surprising and… _unusual_… but there's nothing _wrong_ with you. This is just who you are. And there's nothing wrong with who you are. This is nothing I can't deal with. At least, I don't think it is. I mean… yeah. You're such a good person; it'd be an honor to have you as my wife. And if I need _kitchen utensils_ to pleasure you, well… my wife's gonna get kitchen utensils."

Kasumi blinked. "Really?"

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah."

Kasumi hugged him. "Thank you." She sniffled. "Don't tell anyone about this."

"Of course."

Kasumi announced she was going to begin making dinner, and since the kitchen was a private place and she had finished her conversation with Ranma, it was time for him to go. So Ranma walked into the main room and saw Akane on the floor, doodling in a notebook.

"Hey, Akane –"

"Hey," she said, her mind not present.

"Um… I was wondering why I've been paired off with Kasumi. Did you decide we just couldn't work out together?"

"Yeah…."

Ranma cocked his head to the side and waited for elaboration. None came. He looked over her shoulder to see what she was doodling.

"Umm... yeah. I guess you miss that side of me," Ranma said. Then he turned his head in an attempt to get a better view of the figure next to what appeared to be his former female self. "A lot."

Akane swept a foot at his legs, knocking him to the ground.

"Yeah," Akane said. "But wait till you see what we're doing with Ukyo on page two. Oh wait – you're not seeing this notebook ever again. So sorry!"

Ranma stood up. "Okay, okay – fine. I'll leave you alone to draw your porn." Ranma turned to go, but then turned back towards Akane again. "Incidentally – good job. That's the first I've seen you draw anything that looks like what it's _supposed_ to."

**Whoom!** A kick to Ranma's knees dropped him again. Akane replied, "Why, thank you for the left-handed compliment, Ranma."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

And then one evening Akane, having just left the furo, walked down the hall in her bathrobe drying her hair with a maroon towel. Just as she got to the stairs, Kasumi lightly touched her sister's shoulder and asked, "Akane, would you be interested in renting movies with me and Ranma? Nabiki and Shampoo will be there, too."

Akane said shyly, "Umm... this evening I've got a date with Ukyo."

"Ukyo?" Kasumi said, appearing unsurprised. Kasumi was not so _traditional _as some made her out to be. "I like her." Kasumi stared straight ahead, no longer seeing anything in the room. "She's got a _big _spatula."

Akane looked askance at her sister. "Kasumi?"

"Spatula..."

Akane blinked, not comprehending and afraid to ask – so she let it slide and went upstairs.


	11. The Deliciously Cheesey Ending

(As usual, this is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Episode 11 – The Deliciously Cheesy Ending

Nabiki rested her head on Shampoo's warm, bare breast as her hand found that Shampoo's other breast was also warm and bare, as well as delightfully squeezable. Nabiki sighed contentedly.

Shampoo asked, "Nabiki happy?"

"Hai," Nabiki responded.

"Good. Shampoo worry."

"Why?"

"Because Shampoo no have money."

"Is okay," Nabiki said, not noticing that she was mimicking Shampoo's speech patterns. "We can just keep doing what we did with Gosunkugi – lure more men into buying stuff for us while hinting that they might have a chance at a threesome at some unspecified future time. In the long run, I might actually increase my profit margin with you at my side."

"Shampoo work body hard for Nabiki."

"You always do."

"I mean in making moneys."

"That too."

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

"Kasumi?" Soun Tendo called as he walked down the hallway. "Where did you put my old sock collection?"

Soun opened the door to his daughter's room. There on the bed sat Ranma with his pants pulled down and Kasumi, who was completely naked, sitting in his lap. Ranma held two large serving spoons to Kasumi's breasts.

"Oh my!"

"Te-Tendo-san!"

"You'll have a hard time making an heir sticking her in _that _end, boy!" Soun jokingly chided. _But what do you know, _Soun thought, _it actually happened with her mother._ They thought it would make a good contraceptive, but – then Akane happened. Oh well!

"Privacy!" Kasumi yelled as she threw her pillow at her father, who managed to block it by shutting the door.

Soun laughed, saying, "I guess that's what it takes to get ol' Kasumi-chan excited!" And he walked away, forgetting why he was looking for Kasumi in the first place, and not really caring – because now he felt more certain than ever before that his family heritage was secured for well after he was gone.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Ranma lay on top of Ryoga. "Wow," she said. "So _that's _what a female orgasm is like."

"What?" Ryoga yelled. "I can't hear you, your screaming has made me deaf."

"Oh, shut up," Ranma said, and she bit Ryoga's side playfully. "You're silly."

A quiet moment of snuggliness.

"Ryo-chan," Ranma said. "I've got something important you've got to hear."

"What?" he asked, "What was that?"

Ranma slapped his bare chest. "No, seriously. Listen to me." She made a displeased face at him.

Ryoga's smile faded. "What do you want me to hear?"

"Ryo-chan," Ranma said. "I'm pregnant. I don't know what happened. I don't think the birth control worked." (No kidding. Read the label.)

"Oh well," Ryoga said. "I guess we'll just have to figure out who to invite to the wedding a little sooner, ne?"

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Mousse and Kuno lay in bed together…. And I think we've heard enough already.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

As soon as they reached Akane's room, Akane let Ukyo walk in first. Akane said, "How about if I go get some snacks and some music to –" _drown out the noise _"– listen to. Is that all right?"

Ukyo nodded, and Akane sped away. Ukyo sat on the bed – and noticed something interesting.

Now, Ukyo was a trustworthy girl who didn't go snooping around through other people's things. She believed in the privacy of her friends, even of someone she was dating – in the relatively loose way that the Japanese believe in such things. Ukyo believed in minding one's own business, at any rate. However, one had to admit that it was distracting to see a nude sketch of oneself and one's date entwined in a rather complicated and difficult-to-describe position. Indeed, it was all too tempting to pick up the notebook and flip through the pages – as Ukyo was doing – to see if there were any more pictures of a similar nature. Which there _were_.

Akane returned to the room bearing a CD player and a box of bento. "I've brought TATU with some… um… I hope it's okay." Akane's face turned red.

Ukyo replied absent-mindedly, "Domo."

"What are you looking at?"

Ukyo looked up from the notebook. "These pictures make me so _horny_."

"Um… they do?"

"Did you draw these?"

"Ah, that is… you weren't supposed to see that."

"I wasn't?" Ukyo blinked. "Oh… I'm sorry." She set the notebook aside. "Now I'm embarrassed."

Akane wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sorry," Akane said, because in Japan, whatever the social situation was, if you said you were "sorry," you were usually covered.

"You're a great artist," Ukyo said, and then thought, _Not really._

"They're like any pictures you can find in bad doujinshi." (Akane was right.)

"Those make me horny too," Ukyo said. She was becoming uncertain how this conversation was supposed to evolve. Keep giving out compliments? "_You _make me horny."

"Um… was that supposed to be romantic?"

"I think so."

Silence.

"Sooo," Ukyo said. "You wanna get something to eat?"

"I already did," Akane said, handing over the bento. Ukyo accepted it, bowing as graciously as possible. But Ukyo wasn't hungry... for food. (Yeah, like that wasn't cheesy. _Deliciously_ cheesy!)

Another silence. They had the notion that, as _Ranma 1/2_ characters in a sleazy fanfic, this encounter ought to somehow escalate into sex. Unfortunately, they just couldn't. They weren't like Ranma and Ryoga, who were both men and therefore stupid, nor were they like Nabiki and Shampoo, who never possessed any morals to violate to begin with. As for Kasumi and Ranma... well, their marriage was arranged, and Soun would be damned if they ever tried weaseling out of it, so heck, why not sample the privileges of marriage early?

But Akane and Ukyo didn't have any good excuse to sixty-nine on a first date. In fact, Akane was still getting used to the idea she was a lesbian. Besides, even though Akane _did _seem to be adapting rather quickly, she just wasn't the kind of girl to put her tongue between someone's legs at the drop of a bento box. As for Ukyo, she had been raised on the down-to-earth values of a traditional okonomiyaki vendor: a strong work ethic, financial responsibility, and abstaining from sex until one was properly married (or civil-unioned, whatever the case may be). They just couldn't jump in bed with each other, however much they might like fantasizing about it. This was true despite the fact that the hand of fate had even set them up with a book full of dirty pictures to inspire them just in case S-E-X happened to slip their minds.

Akane asked, "Wanna play Uno?"

Glad that Akane had finally given them an excuse to end this horrible silence - and this horrible scene - Ukyo said, "Yes!"

They weren't going to have sex yet. They weren't ready. And you know what? That's okay, because you wouldn't have gotten to read about it, anyway.

* * *

RANMA 1/2

* * *

Ranma and Kasumi, both half-naked, walked out onto the porch. Ranma had his arm around Kasumi, and Kasumi cradled a very slick rolling pin to her bosom.

"I have only one regret," Ranma said.

"And what is that?" asked Kasumi.

Ranma gazed out into the distance, wondering if she should tell her what was on his mind. It was a difficult truth not easily expressed, but somehow, he knew that Kasumi would understand. "I miss having my own boobs to play with."

At first, Kasumi was shocked to hear this. _Aren't my boobs good enough for him? _she thought. But then she realized that, in truth, Ranma missed more than just the boobs, and more than the chance to play with them. Kasumi nuzzled against his shoulder. "I miss them too, Ranma," she whispered. "I miss your female form, too."

And so, as they contemplated the price of airplane tickets to Jusenkyo, China, they watched the setting sun incinerate itself in a brilliant red glow in the west, much as it would rise again at dawn like a phoenix, burning with the brilliant promise of new beginnings and other sentimental crap.

THE END


	12. Epilogue: Crossover Special!

(And... yeah, I don't own the _Ranma_ series. I think you get the idea now. However, did you know that I _also_ don't own the rights to the _Inuyasha _series? I bet you didn't! ... Incidentally, I can't remember whether or not Naraku can communicate telepathically with Kagura. I can't seem to remember that from the series, but I also wrote most of this a long time ago, so maybe... she _can?_ I'm sorry if that's inaccurate. I blame the me of the past; the me of the present is innocent.)

(Also, for those who demand foreknowledge of the pairings involved, there will be a new one: Kodachi/Kagura. We can't get everybody else laid and simply leave the poor girl all on her lonesome, can we?)

* * *

_Identity Crisis_

Epilogue: Crossover Special!

The wind sighed through the trees, as wind is wont to do, and the sunlight scattered through the leaves, because the sunlight wonted to. Then a huge freaking supernatural saber-tooth cat romped past, carrying a Japanese girl in battle-gear with a freaking huge boomerang on her back.

"Kilala!" Sango the yokai-hunter yelled, her eyes squeezed shut, and tightly gripping her extra-large size cat by the hair. The wind, while still sighing through the trees, seemed to be blowing especially hard on Sango – who knows why? That whimsical wind –

"Kilala! Slow _down_!"

That was nasty, whatever Kagura attacked Kilala with. Kilala wasn't happy. Poor kitty. Sango would revenge herself on that sorcerous incarnation of Naraku as soon as she could – which wasn't now.

Sango opened her eyes. A clearing! A well!

"Kilala! Listen, you – _AAAAAH!_" They were falling down the well…!

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura calmly approached the well Sango and her pet dived into – there was strange energy here. "So they think they can escape me so easily?" Kagura growled. "They will not get away with this."

She touched the well's stone edge, gazing down into a dark and empty hole. Kagura could hear Naraku's voice: _Careful, Kagura. That well leads to another time. My power only extends so far._

"You don't say?" Kagura said, carefully suppressing expression of any interest, knowing Naraku could probably sense it. This was the well Kagome came through. Naraku telepathed,_ If you go beyond my reach, Kagura, without a heart of your own you will surely perish._

Kagura grunted. "So are you saying I shouldn't follow the yokai-slayer and her pet?" She could feel Naraku's smile. _Go ahead, if you dare. You won't get far_.

Kagura growled. The further and freer she was from Naraku, the better. Kagura jumped down the well, hearing Naraku's low, sinister laugh echo behind her….

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura felt the sharp edge of the stone well, found her grip, and pulled herself up, into the darkness of a shed. Kagura straightened out her kimono, checking to make sure she hadn't soiled it in the fall and the climb. Satisfied, she blasted the door open and walked outside. The daylight revealed a wide courtyard with a tree and large, strange-looking house – Kagome's, of course. Unimpressed - with the setting as much as its description - Kagura decided to leave.

Kagura walked down the long stone stairway to the street. A car honked as it zipped past her. She scampered over to the walkway of hard, white rock-tiles (that is, the sidewalk) that lay on the other side of the street. Kagura thought, _What _was _that?_

Then Kagura felt the power that connected her to Naraku fade almost completely, and the emptiness where her heart should have been began to ache as though it were about to implode. She felt lightheaded; her limbs, weakening, began to shake. _What can I do?_ she thought. _How can I... I must go back. I need my heart._

Kagura collapsed, the sidewalk hitting her like a slap from Naraku's tentacles. "Must… get…" _heart…._ And then light vanished and sound deafened.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Dr. Fujisawa looked over the record. Unidentified woman, D.O.A., cardiac arrest. Nothing much interesting there. He turned to the woman lying next to him on the slab. Dark hair, stern but somewhat cute face. Dead. Now to do some autopsying. Yay!

He looked over the initial X-rays. "What's this?"

Fujisawa's long-haired assistant, Kisho, lifted his head from his desk, bleary-eyed. "Whut?"

The doctor walked over to the assistant and showed him the report. "She has no heart!"

Kisho looked at it, blinked, and replied, "Dude, _that_ would kill her. I think I can write up the final report on _this_ one, doc."

Fujisawa smacked his assistant over the head with the folder. "Get on over to the table." The doctor went over to the woman.

Kisho got up, and picked up his empty cup. "May I have more coffee?"

Fujisawa pulled the pall from off the woman's chest. "Later."

"Dude, _why_? She's obviously -"

"Because it's your job to _look_ at this woman and tell me how she doesn't have a heart."

"I bet I can guess why," Kisho said. "She must've been a _bitch_."

Fujisawa growled. "Very funny. Now come here."

The assistant hobbled over to the table. He looked at the woman. No incisions, no appearance of a breach to the chest cavity. Kisho lifted her up to see her back. Nothing. He let the body fall back on the table, and shrugged. "I dunno, but she's got a great chest. Too bad she's dead –"

"Get serious, man!" Fujisawa said. "We're opening her up. Granted, the X-ray is probably just a mechanical error, or we're getting pranked again by the idiots in -"

The woman's eyes opened and her hand snapped onto the doctor's neck. She growled, "Heart! Must… have… heart!"

The doctor blinked and, not knowing what else to do under the circumstances, croaked, "I... know…."

Then the woman's eyes closed and her hand dropped. An uneasy silence drifted into the operating room as they realized they had just seen a woman who ought to be dead sit up and order them to give her a heart. Her face twitched; they both jumped.

"You didn't just see that, did you?" Kisho asked.

"Get a pacemaker in her, stat!"

"'Stat'? What? How do I explain –"

"Don't explain. Get Yukiko from cardiology – she's superstitious enough she'll help us do it ourselves. Now go!"

The assistant ran to the door. He stopped to ask, "Do you think it's really gonna help?"

Dr. Fujisawa shook his head, as he stroked his neck and glanced warily at the body. "She's not human…."

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura walked out of the hospital, into the night air. She remembered a mechanical clattering in her chest before she had woken up. She didn't hear it now, but she could feel the device pumping like a living heart – she had been somewhere between death and un-death, but now… Kagura was alive and free. No need to find the yokai-slayer and her oversized cat, now; they were just an excuse for jumping down the well. Kagura was in a completely different time and place, away from everyone and everything she was familiar with – which was good, because Kagura hadn't liked anybody she'd known. Kagura plucked out a feather from her hair, mystically expanded it, and surfed into the sky to explore this strange new world.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

"You!"

Ukyo looked up from her sweeping and blinked at the mysterious woman in the kimono who stood in front of the door to her restaurant. "Me?"

"Yes," Kagura said. "I know you." Kagura unfolded her fan and held it up dramatically, just high enough to cover the front of her mouth, but low enough she could glare at Ukyo. "You look just like her."

"Like who?" Ukyo asked. "Have we met?"

"That voice," Kagura said, holding the fan outward as she assumed a battle-stance. "Now I'm certain – you're that _demon-slayer,_ aren't you?"

"'Demon-slayer'?" Ukyo repeated. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"You can't fool _me _so easily. You've followed me here, haven't you?"

"I think you have me confused with somebody else," Ukyo said, spinning her broom and hefting it as she would a weapon. "Either that, or you're _very_ paranoid."

"Where are your friends?" Kagura asked. "Or that two-tailed cat of yours?"

"'Two-tailed cat'? What have you been smoking?!" Ukyo took a step forward. "If you're here to start trouble, then I must warn you I'm highly skilled in the martial arts. Get away from my property immediately."

Kagura paused a moment to consider the situation. "You're not Sango, are you?"

"My name is Ukyo. Ukyo Kuonji."

Kagura folded up the fan, put it away, and nodded. "I see. I've met you before, in a previous life."

"That so?"

"Indeed. You were called Sango, then. But I have little interest in catching up on old times. If you would have nothing to do with me, then I would likewise prefer to return the favor."

"Go right ahead."

Kagura jumped onto her giant feather and flew away.

"Holy Buddha!" Ukyo exclaimed as she saw this display of magical prowess.

Ukyo walked back inside, the broom resting on her shoulder. Shampoo smiled, then saw the look on Ukyo's face, and asked, "Something wrong?"

Ukyo said, "I don't know… But I think I just met the most powerful druggie in the universe."

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura was running along the rooftops, jumping from building to building just like any other ordinary martial artist does, and minding her own business, mind you, when all of a sudden she bumped into another martial artist along the way – some teenage girl dressed in a tight black outfit, carrying a bouquet. Kagura paid no mind, until the girl started yelling and throwing roses at her. Kagura turned to face the annoyance, and tossed a burst of wind at her to knock her off the roof.

The girl tripped, but held on to the roof, and apparently wasn't going to be ridden of with such a simple maneuver. She stood as Kagura ended her attack.

Kagura wanted this encounter over as quickly as possible. "What do you want?"

The girl posed, one hand on her hip and the other holding her signature flower aloft. "I am Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of the St. Bacchus School for Girls!"

"I see," Kagura said. "So?"

"You bumped into me as I was running to meet my love, Ranma Saotome, who is as we speak being married off to a most horrible, ugly woman."

"So?"

"Your interference with my love deserves vengeance. I challenge you to a duel."

"You demand satisfaction from me, little maiden?"

"Oh-hoho_ho_! Do you think your archaic language frightens _me_, the Black Rose?" Kodachi retorted.

Kagura smirked. "Not my language but my power."

"Then _show_ me your power."

Kagura nodded and said, "Very well… you asked for it!" Then she unleashed the Dance of Blades on the young gymnast, who dodged with a somersaulting jump. Time slowed so that Kagura could look on with amazement. _What is this? _Kagura thought. _Where did she learn such grace and muscular control? What is she doing? Is she some sort of ninja? _Then Kodachi landed on her feet on the very tip of the sloping roof, her arms outstretched, twirling ribbons in a Rythmic Gymnastics battle stance.

"Very pretty maneuvering, girl," Kagura said. _Was all that spinning necessary? _"Are you fighting me seriously?"

"O-hohohohohohohohohoho! I, Kodachi the Black Rose, am _always_ serious."

"Then why are you laughing all the time?"

"I'm serious about fighting," Kodachi said, putting on a sober face. "But one must always put up a strong front to one's foes, don't you agree? In combat, what is more important than mastering the moves themselves? The show you give! An enemy without morale is a weakened enemy, indeed."

"How eloquent, Sun Tzu," Kagura retorted. "Not that I needed the advice, but are you really certain you want to instruct your opponents on your theories of martial arts?"

"Point taken. No reason to –" Kagura slashed at the Black Rose while she was still speaking. Kodachi leaped away, and kept leaping as Kagura sent more wind-attacks in her direction.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

A day or two ago, Akane rummaged through her room and discovered she still had that old Fishing Rod of Lurve. "Hm. Guess I'd better get rid of this." And so Akane threw it out the window directly into the dumpster in the alley behind her house.

She raised her arms in victory. "Yes!" she cried. "Score!"

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kodachi and Kagura moved their battle into an alleyway. Empty-handed, Kodachi looked this way and that, saying aloud, "A weapon! I need a weapon!"

"You must learn to master the art of internal dialogue, little girl," Kagura said. "Ha! I have her just where I want her. Dance of Blades!" She wasn't interested in showing off her full power to this pathetic girl; Kagura was merely amusing herself. This one wasn't worth the effort to impress. Kodachi already seemed overwhelmed by Kagura's ability to execute so many chi attacks without tiring.

Kodachi was thrown into a green, rusting dumpster. Kodachi was stunned for only a few seconds, and as soon as she was up she rummaged through the trash. She found a weapon – a pole with a cord and a mini-plunger-thingy attached. Kodachi said, "A true martial artist can make a weapon out of anything." And indeed, that was a specialty of her own chosen art – Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics!

But indeed, this was no ordinary fishing rod with a small plunger-thingie attached instead of a hook; it was in truth the legendary Fishing Rod of Love. But Kodachi did not realize this as she swung the rod and hit Kagura in the chest with the mini-plunger.

Kagura looked down in surprise. "What the -?"

Kodachi bellowed, "Get over here!" And pulled Kagura toward her.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

A girl with long dark hair in an old-fashioned battle outfit walked into Ucchan's. The owner-operator was at the grill, as always. Shampoo and Nabiki were sitting at a table together, and immediately shifted their attention to this unusual customer. Ukyo said, "Hello. What can I do for you?"

Sango said, "Hello, I was wondering… I don't know my way around town. I don't even know the address of the place I'm trying to get to."

"Oh?"

Nabiki whispered to Shampoo, "They have the same voice!"

Ukyo somehow managed to give Sango directions, despite the fact Sango had difficulty indicating where exactly she wanted to go. Sango knew she wanted to get to her friend Kagome's home, but Sango couldn't even say for certain what prefecture Kagome lived in. Nothing more of interest happened, except they got to pet Sango's cute little two-tailed kitty.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura had the fishing rod, now. "I can't believe you would attack me with something so – so strange and… _insulting! _It looks _ridiculous!_"

"Ha! Even a child's toy can –"

"A _child's toy_?" Kagura whipped the cord at Kodachi, catching her in the chest while off-guard. Kagura pulled Kodachi through the air towards her. Kagura unfurled her fan and was about to slit Kodachi's throat with it – but her hand slipped and dropped the fan. Kodachi looked so powerless and fragile as she was pulled through the air, her eyes so wide with fear and… innocence. Kagura pulled Kodachi up to an inch away from her face, and suddenly hadn't any idea what to do.

Kodachi did. She punched Kagura in the gut, then back-flipped away from her opponent, resuming battle-stance. Kagura glared as she picked up her fan, then straightened back up into battle-stance, but she made no further move. Kodachi paused a second, uncertain of what was holding her opponent back. She turned left, right, up, down, behind her, then turned back to Kagura. "Okay, what's the deal?"

"Um… Nothing! You shall die." Kagura wondered why her voice didn't seem to carry much conviction.

Kodachi tossed a grenade. "Take _that_!"

The paralysis powder engulfed Kagura. _What's this? Poison? Ha!_ Kagura had more than a few immunities. She coughed. Even so, this powder was strange to her, and potent. Kagura felt numb all throughout her body, her vision tumbled, her limbs shook, and her co-ordination was shot to hell.

Like the voice of a ghost, Kodachi's cackle echoed in her ears: "O-hohohohohohohoho!"

"I'll get youuu… b-bi-itsschhh…." And Kagura collapsed.

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Many centuries ago, Sango, Kilala, and Kagome (the schoolgirl from the future) walked across the field to their adventuring party: Inuyasha the temperamental half-yokai, Shippo the young kitsune, and Miroku that good-looking, mischievous monk.

"Sango!" Miroku called, waving. "You're back!"

"Hai!"

"Where were you?" Inuyasha demanded. "And why were you gone?"

"I was in Kagome's time," Sango said. "Apparently Kilala has the power to use the well. She _is_ a two-tailed yokai, after all." Kilala gave a short, proud yowl.

"And Sango," Miroku said, pointing to the bag in her hands as he sidled up beside her, "What would this b-"

Smack!

"Hands off, monk."

Miroku removed his hand from Sango's backside. "Yes, ma'am."

"I've brought some things I found while in Kagome's time," she opened the bag and started showing off trinkets.

Shippo took one of the objects. "What's this?" he asked.

"A spatula!"

"I'm only interested if you've got any food there," Inuyasha said.

"You mean you don't want this doggie-bone?" Sango teased.

Inuyasha growled at her and turned away.

Miroku picked up a bottle. "And what's this?"

"Er…" Sango turned red. "Pills that can keep a woman from conceiving a child."

"Interesting."

"I had a premonition you'd have thought so…."

"Really? Why?" Miroku cocked his head to the side. "If I in any way deviate from the celibacy typical of monkhood, it is only out of duty to carry on my family line. What would be the point in _preventing_ conception when that is indeed my very goal when… I encounter women I believe worthy of helping me attain… it." Obviously, he was choosing his words carefully.

Sango gave him a dirty look. "That, and you'd lose your only pick-up line."

"There's that, too."

* * *

CROSSOVER SPECIAL!

* * *

Kagura woke up naked in a strange bed. This had never happened to her before, but she was certain that this could only mean something interesting was going on. The room was decorated in black roses and sticky spots where posters used to be – though Kagura wasn't able to recognize them as such. There was a window, the dark curtains drawn shut, and on the other side of the room, the door was open….

"This little maiden demands satisfaction from you," Kodachi said, leaning against the frame of the door in a black bathrobe, a hand at the back of her head. She put the stem of a black rose in her mouth and approached the bed.

Kagura stood up, holding the blankets against her body (protecting her naughty parts). "Hold on! Where am I? What's going on here?"

Kodachi fell to her knees, hands clasped.

Kagura lifted an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

Kodachi removed the rose from her mouth and lifted it to Kagura. "The thorns have been removed."

Kagura sat down on the bed, but did not reach for the rose. Kodachi set the rose on the bed and sighed. Kagura thought a moment, and then decided that her opponent hadn't much point in placing her in this room asleep and defenseless only to kill her with a poisoning tactic as obvious as this. After all, she had put the rose in her own mouth – unless it was her _mouth_ that was poisoned! Kagura picked up the rose, brushing fingers with Kodachi in a most clichéd and romantic way – hearts fluttering briefly – and Kagura brought the flower – which indeed had no thorns – to her nose and sniffed it. "Lovely," she said.

"You mean the flower?"

Kagura smiled. "The flower, too." Kodachi blushed. _What am I thinking? What is she thinking? What _was_ I thinking? Why… later._ Kagura cleared her throat and said, "You don't appear interested in fighting me anymore. I appreciate that. Perhaps you will answer a few questions, then. Why did you bring me here? Where am I, and where are my clothes?"

"I… I didn't know what to do after I'd knocked you out with the paralysis powder," Kodachi replied. "I was going to meet my former lover, but… he's lost my interest. He had faked his death without telling anyone, including me – and such a liar simply isn't worthy of me. I couldn't stop thinking of you, after our battle. You were simply so powerful, so graceful, so skilled – and the gas lasted for several hours, so I only had to pick you up and carry you home. I thought to wash your clothes, since they had become sweaty; you had been lying in the dirt for a while, you know. And I gave you a bath, then let you lie, here, and waited for you to wake up. Also, dinner is cooking, if it would please you to stay."

Though Kagura's better judgment advised her otherwise, she nodded and replied, "I was brought here without my permission, but so long as you behave more respectably towards me, I may forgive our initial meeting and accept your hospitality." _Should I eat her dinner? If I do, I might never be able to leave…. _Kagura had no idea.

"Oh, thank you!" Kodachi breathed. "You won't regret this! I was rude and over-zealous; I would feel shattered if you resented me for it now."

"I have no need to make enemies." Kagura said. "I should hope that we could be friends… _very good friends._ We could do things together you've never even imagined -"

"Oh-hohohohohoho! Don't be silly," Kodachi said, "I go to an _all-girls_ school. I know all about that sort of thing."

"Oh," Kagura said. "I see." Kagura had no experience at all, since her entire existence had been spent as the minion of a terrible demon overlord. She had never had the opportunity or desire to have a romantic relationship; her main interests had revolved around achieving personal freedom. Now that she had it, she hadn't been entirely certain what to do with herself - until now.

"My love," Kagura said, "Let's conquer the world together!"

"Yes!" Kodachi cried. "All shall tremble before our might!"

"Governments will topple!"

"Nations shall bow before us!"

And then Kagura said, "But let's have hot 'n steamy lesbian sex first."

"Yes, let's."


End file.
